The evening of Thursday, April 8 is when it all began. An evening that will live on in infamy, forever known after a series of events were put into motion and, like a speeding locomotive, stopping them will take everything within our power.
That is why you have me, Detective L. Scooter, P.I.*
*Not a real P.I.
I am about to show you what happened, but be warned, because once you see this it cannot be unseen.
Now pause it at 52 seconds. Zoom, zoom, enhance... RIGHT THERE!
According Nolan Arenado this was his first curtain call.
Nolan Arenado says this was the first curtain call of his career.— Jeff Jones (@jmjones) April 8, 2021
We shall see about that.
[turns on bright overhead lamp to shine in Arenado’s face]
Me: Your first curtain call, eh? So you are going with that story?
Arenado: This... this is the training room... how did you get in here? Where is Security? And where did this lamp come from?
Me: I’ll ask the questions around here, Pal. This is your last chance to tell the truth.
Arenado: Why... why would I lie about that? I really didn’t mean anything by it! In Colorado I got ovations and cheers, we just did not really do curtain calls, I guess, or maybe there wasn’t the chance... but it looks like that is a thing here and it was just cool to be part—
Me: A likely story, Nolan. Do you know how many home runs you have hit?
Arenado: Maybe like —
Me: — 237. And how many at home?
Arenado: I don—
Me: — 137! Now 7 of those were from 2020 where there were no fans at the games, leaving...?
Arenado: A hundred—
Me: —130! 130 curtain call opportunities and you want to tell me you haven’t had a single one until now? [slams fist on table]
Arenado: ... Can I answer or are you just —
Me: Well, no one believes you, Nolan. Just fess up now and this can all go away.
Arenado: I mean... there is video of it if you don’t believe me. Just watch the video!
Me: I did watch the video! I watched all 130 homers and I found nothing! I know there is one out there — I know there is something you aren’t telling me!
Arenado: I don’t know what you wan—
Me: I WANT THE TRUTH!
Arenado: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH.
I watched the video. I spent hours pouring over it. I mutter “take a good look, you won’t see it for long” in my sleep now. I started getting weirdly invested in the Taco Bell seven run promotion. I couldn’t find a curtain call. That doesn’t mean there isn’t one out there, recorded beyond the limits of the videos I watched, but I couldn’t find it.
And that is okay! First of all, Rockies fans are great! I saw a video where they are watching a game in the snow. THE SNOW! Look how stoked they are at Arenado hitting for the cycle. The crowd is going wild, Gatorade is flying, Arenado is inexplicably bleeding from his face. It is a perfect moment.
Second of all, there is no right way to be a fan. We, as I am largely directing this at Cardinals fans, cannot fall into the fandom trap of performative outrage over something silly like curtain calls. It is not cute and no one likes it. We just really love our curtain calls, man. Some might say too much. Those people are of course wrong, but it has been highly documented that Cardinals fans give curtain calls a lot. And that is okay too! Being a fan should be fun and entertaining. Just don’t do the wave.
Or you know what, do the wave — I am even caving on that. Who cares! Have fun!