The Cardinals have played in three games so far in the 2018 season. And guess what: Dexter Fowler is HITLESS so far. I know, right? Like, it has been fourteen plate appearances already. A no hits? You know that means, right? Time to...

Suddenly a brilliant beam of light pulses, followed by a gust of air that throws me backwards onto the ground. Someone that looks a lot like me appears from the light, pulls me up by my shirt and then smacks me right in the face.

“What was that for? Who are you?”

She smacks me again.

“The first one was so that you would get a grip. The second was because I will never get another chance to do this again and I wanted to make it count. As for who I am, well that answer is obvious. I am you, Scooter.”

“You are... me?” I ask, quickly putting my hands up in preparation for another smack.

“Yes, you. I am you in the future. In the future someone developed time travel and every person on earth is given one ration. And before you get smart, no, we are not going to dive into the metaphysical ramifications of time travel and all that entails.”

“Fine. Then why are you here, uh... Future Scooter? What is gonna happen?”

“First of all - look, my phone automatically connected to our WiFi!”

“That is hilarious!”

“Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah - Dexter Fowler is going to get a hit today - April 2, 2018. You cannot write that panicked article about him not having a hit yet. You will look like a fool.”

“But..”

“A FOOL.”

“But sensationalist writing captures reader attention and earns The Almighty Click.”

She smacks me again.

“Shut up. And never speak like that again.”

“Fine,” I say, rubbing my face, “But do you really think this was the best use of our time travel ration? Why didn’t you go back and stop us from -”

“Shut up! We still never speak of that! Now I have to go. I will not see you again until, well, you know. But before I go, what are you not gonna do?”

“I am not gonna freak out over fourteen plate appearances.”

“Excellent. Goodbye, lil me.”

***

I believe in Dexter Fowler!

what else is going on in baseball...

Ichiro Suzuki reaches over the fence to rob a home run | SBNation.com

Here’s a picture of Adrian Beltre (baseball player) with Adrian Beltre (giraffe) | SBNation.com

Tigers’ Opening Day was canceled, and Detroit was a sad sight | SBNation.com

Sunday Notes: Ian Happ Had to Adjust to High Heat | FanGraphs Baseball

Giancarlo Stanton’s Adjustment Appears to Be Carrying Over | FanGraphs Baseball

This game-ending high school double play will challenge even the most practiced scorekeepers | MLB.com

Noah Syndergaard was so nasty Thursday that a fan is bleaching his hair Thor blond | MLB.com

Stanton leads top moments of 2018 Opening Day | MLB.com

what the cardinals are up to...

Cardinals experience Groundhog Day in 6-2 loss to Mets | Viva El Birdos

Cardinals Swept by Mets in Opening Weekend | Viva El Birdos

Ozuna, Weaver, and Cardinals roll to 5-1 win over Mets | Viva El Birdos

The Cardinals Get Their Closer. And Did It The Smart Way. | 101Sports.com

Jose Oquendo is the Boss of Jose Oquendo, and That's Awesome | 101Sports.com

Maybe St. Louis should be glad Cardinals aren't home; Royals game postponed by snow | St. Louis Cardinals | stltoday.com

To make room for Holland, Cardinals delay Alex Reyes' return | Derrick Goold: Bird Land | stltoday.com

BenFred: Cards' big pitching move comes late but is a real game-changer | Ben Frederickson | stltoday.com

KNOW THINE ENEMY...

the milwaukee brewers

Series Preview: St. Louis Cardinals @ Milwaukee Brewers | Brew Crew Ball

Ryan Braun's homer gives Brewers win vs Padres | MLB.com

the nl central

Everything I Googled during 13 innings of endless Tigers-Pirates baseball | SBNation.com

Anthony Rizzo did not take kindly to how hard Willson Contreras threw the ball to first | MLB.com

Anthony Rizzo honors Marjory Stoneman Douglas | MLB.com

Tweet or e-mail me links @lil_scooter93 or at lil_scooter93 AT msn DOT com!