I've got a lot of things going on. It won't be convenient. I don't care for all that travel, honestly. But I care about this team. And for their good, and the good of the city, and the good of Cardinals fans around the world, I will take over as the next Cardinals manager.
Here are a list of my demands.
1. Millions of dollars. I don't care what the exact number is, as long as it is millions.
2. I'll wear what I want to wear. And, right now, what I want to wear is comfortable slacks, a light weight button down shirt, and an old-timey hat.
3. If they ain't stealin' they ain't livin'. I don't mean that I will kill them, it is figurative. The light is always green at Busch III.
4. I want a ton of soft-tossing, ground-ball-inducing, control pitchers. No home runs given up on my watch. Keep your 100 mph home run derby off my mound.
5. Every day is bring your youngster to work day. Every line-up has at least one rookie in it, probably batting lead-off so they get more at-bats. Also, being young, they should be able to steal if they get on base. Other than that, the nerds upstairs can send down the line-up every day, I don't care.
6. No bunting. All bunting drill time will be instead used to practice hitting the other way.
7. Any player that is shifted against and can't poke a single through the gaping hole to the opposite field will be placed upon the pillar and things will be thrown at him.
8. There will be a pillar.
9. No dawdling.
10. Extraneous wind-ups will be encouraged as long as it doesn't break the no dawdling rule.
11. All pre-game stretching will be real stretching or no stretching. Lukewarm stretching will be spitten from the pre-game routine's proverbial mouth.
12. I will take my meals in the dugout.
13. All pitch-outs, pick-offs, and pitch selection will be worked out on the field between the players. Ain't nobody got time for the manager to be micromanaging all that from the dugout. Did we prepare for this game or didn't we?
14. Ice cold arnold palmers, alchoholic and non-alcholic, should be always in reach.
15. We won't be doing any stupid "awareness" or theme uniforms. Team or city centric retro-uniforms are fine, and the goofy one where the players pick their name is an indulgence I am willing to play along with, but everything else has got to go.
16. All walk-up music will be chosen by me, and will likely be selections from an album-of-the-day, and played by an organist.
17. I will require a high-quality barber's chair to sit in during the game (home and away). And on sunny days it must be in the shade.
18. If the MLB rules permit, I will also require a megaphone so I can encourage my team and make jokes, but mostly for the jokes.
19. I'll need a second barber's chair for the guest of the series, which will be someone cool, probably old-time baseball related, and not a stupid celebrity or politician. They will also need a megaphone.
20. I require total control of any baseball card I might be on.
I am looking forward to the 2022 season. I am confident of a 105 wins and a World Series Championship. In fact, I guarantee it. If I don't deliver, I will resign (on condition of me getting the remaining millions, of course). I can't see a club getting a better deal than that. No need to thank me, the joy of the game and the collective bliss of our teaming winning it all is all the thanks I need (and the millions).