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Cards lose 12-4 to Brewers

Warning: What you are about to read is complete nonsense.

MLB: Milwaukee Brewers at St. Louis Cardinals Jeff Curry-USA TODAY Sports

Baseball. It is a sport. A sport is an activity. An activity is working out. Working out is pain. Baseball is pain. Pain is a feeling. A feeling is sadness. Baseball is sadness. Sadness is momentary. Momentary is the amount of time you will choose to read this. This is nonsense. Baseball is nonsense. What is life? All of these things. Thus, baseball is life. Please stay and sit down for my mental breakdown.

Austin Gomber was subjected to nonsense. He struck out a lot of guys. He didn’t walk anybody. He gave up two homers. So far this year, he has not struck many out, walked too many, and gave up very few homers. Nonsense! This is not a recap, this is a state of mind. I cannot. You cannot. The Cardinals cannot. Who can? No one knows.

How could I possibly recap this game normally? That’d be like choosing to voluntarily get shot in the arm. Nobody will read this. Nobody wants to read this. Yes, yes please sign me up for reading about the entirely worthless and awful thing I just watched. I would LOVE to really get into the nitty gritty of how we just got absolutely nut punched and face slapped while tripping over our own toenails.

Let’s see let’s see. WELL. Hmmm. You see the Brewers. They scored runs. Lots and lots of them. The Cardinals scored a few runs, threatened to score lots and lots of times only for Jedd Gyorko to ruin the rally. Sorry Jebediah, you’re just kind of the kicking bag tonight. You DID strand 8 runners including an inning ending double play ball with the bases juiced.

Gomber gave up 5, Ross gave up 2 (including giving up the hit that led to 2 of Gomber’s runs), Mayers gave up 2, and Cecil gave up 3. Those are #facts. The Brewers scored ELEVEN of their 12 runs after the Cardinals had gotten 2 outs and not allowed a runner. To repeat that stat, the Brewers had 2 outs, nobody on base. The Cardinals needed one out. The Brewers ended up getting ELEVEN of their twelve runs after that scenario. That seems impossible. I just witnessed it and I still don’t believe it.

You know what else I don’t believe in? Scoring with the bases loaded. Nah I say. Why score with the bases loaded when you can simply not do that. I mean this is a perfectly logical thing to do. Who needs runs anyway? What are runs anyway? Are runs a thing? Why are runs a thing? Why is baseball? Why are you still reading this? No that one was serious. Are you still with me?

The Cardinals scored when Yadier Molina hit a home run. That was #good. He gave us hope. That is bad. It was a three-run homer. Paul DeJong hit a sacrifice fly. Those were the runs we scored. The Cardinals got on base a lot and did not score anymore. You see to score runs would be easy and well the Cardinals simply believe in making things difficult. Need to sweep the Cubs to make the playoffs? OH HELL YEAH THEY’RE UP FOR THAT.

The umpire also played a factor in the game. Not in the outcome of the game, but just the game. It was 12-4. Of course the umpire wasn’t the difference. However, Matt Carpenter looked a ball that 2% of umpires call a strike, argued, starting walking back to the dugout, got thrown out, and then Mike Shildt got thrown out. It was 7-4 when this happened and the Cardinals later stranded the bases loaded. Gee, I wonder what happens if you trade that out for a baserunner? We will never know because life is that way.

Ryan Braun also hit two homers and everything is bad. You see non-Cardinals fans will take joy in Cards fans losing which is fine, but I want them to know that Ryan Braun is happy and you should at least feel conflicted about that. If you’re not a Brewers fan at least. Yeah I’ve got nothing else to say really. I don’t want to write this anymore. This was awful.


  • Why
  • would
  • I
  • put
  • anything
  • here?
  • Habit
  • PS
  • I am not a crackpot
  • Also: I’m completely sober. I wish I wasn’t.

Tomorrow, the Cardinals try not to get swept. It’s Jhoulys Chacin versus John Gant and I can just tell that matchup fills you with hope. This is me being sarcastic. Enjoy the rest of your night/day if you’re reading this in the morning.