Death March in Milwaukee

I’m coming to you live from my two bedroom apartment. We’re recapping a game. Like, as it happens. There is no future, nor no past, nor any when as enjoyable as the present so let’s remember Now.

Like, while it happens.

Tonight I am joined by Milwaukee broadcasters Brian Anderson and Bill Schroeder. It’s easy to tell them apart but I will still mess that up. Our pitchers are Brent Suter and Carlos Martinez, two athletes whose parents are likely very proud.

1st Inning

Matt Carpenter leads off with a home-run on the first pitch. I am not getting emotional.

Pham Ks.

One man’s Suter is another man’s Brent.

Martinez Ks. Brian/Bill blames it on a bad wrist.

Ozuna grounds out.

Glad you could join us. Good to see you.

Oh yeah, Cards up 1 - 0.

Dirty London River leads off the bottom half against Carlos Martinez.

By the way, I predict a bad CMart outing tonight.

Thames grounds out and I don’t know nothing no how or know how nor any who.

Any way.

Yelich hits a hard single. I’ll bet he liked it.

Cain singles to right.

Carlos don’t look good.

Doesn’t look good.

Shaw Ks.

2 on 2 out, One 2 RBI Double bounces Ozuna off the wall.

Lots of baseball left and all that.

According to Bill (or Brian) only the Texas Rangers have committed more errors than the Cardinals this year.

Also, Ozzie Smith sold one of his Gold Gloves (or so I heard).

2 - 1 Brewers.

2nd Inning

Molina grounds out, Gyorko sees a few pitches and flies to London’s River, then Bader lines out sharply on the infield.

Sogard leads off the bottom of the second with a ground-out to second.

Pham plays a double well off the wall.

Suter pops out to Third.

Two outs, runner on Second, Dirty British River up.

Thames flies to Ozuna.

3rd Inning

Munoz leads off with a fly out to Center.

Martinez grounds out to Third.

Carpenter Ks.

It doesn’t look good, but like, there’s no evidence that it will go bad. I mean, this is fun. I like this. I swear I do.

Yelich leads off with a ground out back to Carlos.

Cain gets an infield hit up the line against Carp. They’re calling it an error.

No matter what, it wasn’t pretty.

Not like you when you smile.

Shaw drops one into the Left Center gap for an RBI double.

Still early, he thinks too regularly.

3 -1 Brewers.

Aguilar Ks.

Thankfully.

Villar with the dish side view:

He watches a pitched ball skip, and I swear it did it like this, gleefully, before bouncing off the umpire’s mask and dancing out of play. Shaw to Third.

Shaw scores on a wild pitch because nobody likes you.

Nobody.

Visiting announcers once again want to know why the Cardinals are so fundamentally unsound.

Villar walks. Maddux on checkup duty.

Martinez checks on Villar and throws the ball away. Only two bases left to miss Pitch.

C Mart gets a fly out to Right.

This inning is over. And that’s just good.

Good.

4 -1 Brewers.

4th Inning

Pham flies out to Center on the first pitch from Suter.

Jose Martinez draws the count full and flies to Left.

Ozuna’s up. Brian/Bill inform me that he won the NL Player or the Week last year (for the third time in his career). I like to think that television was meant to convey useless information so quickly.

Ozuna Ks swinging on a high fastball.

Manny Pina’s up again. CMart at 58 pitches to start the half.

Pina hits a solo shot to LF.

5 -1 Brewers.

Jerks.

Everyone’s jerks.

All of ‘em.

Suter grounds out to Gyorko at Second.

I can’t decide what’s more annoying, the announcers or the game.

Oh wait, sure I can.

It’s the game.

Thames draws the count full and then gets a grounder through the shift into Right.

It’s defintely the game.

Yelich walks. Maddux and CMart once again exchange body heat. Baseball is shoulder rubs, baby.

Cain drives in a run with a single because Carlos Martinez can’t finish his delivery or some baseball thing.

6 - 1 Brewers.

Maddux does not have a magic touch.

Travis Shaw is up again. Too many Brewers hitters keep showing up.

Cain steals a base because Molina is aging.

Shaw hits a sac fly to Right.

7 - 1 Brewers.

Yes Martinez is still in. What do you expect from management? Managing?

Rube.

Aguilar flies to Right.

I need a hug.

5th Inning

Molina leads off by getting hit with a pitch. Gyorko works the runner over by grounding out to Third.

Bader pops out.

Munoz slaps a high outside fastball the opposite way and doubles in a run.

7 - 2 Brewers.

Fowler pinch hits for Martinez while Bill and Brian openly stump for Jack Morris, who is going into the Hall of Fame this year, giving baseball people something less to argue about.

Fowler grounds out.

Brett Cecil is in! Our prayers are answered!

Cecil faces Villar. When you look into the abyss, it switch hits.

True story.

Villar grounds it to Carpenter who doesn’t look silly at all launching a baseball across the diamond. That’s a long throw!

Sogard flies to Right. Brian and Bill miss John Denver.

I think we all miss John Denver.

Manny Pina draws a walk.

Thank God I’m a country boy.

Suter walked on a high outside pitch.

Suter’s the Brewer’s pitcher.

Suter has four hits this year.

Cecil walked Suter.

Here comes the ole British River.

Thames loops a flyout to Munoz.

I love baseball. I love baseball. I love baseball, I love baseball. I love baseball.

6th Inning

Carpenter grounds out to First, Pham grounds out to Third, Jose Martinez grounds out to Short.

At least every Brewer infielder got a touch.

Gant in to pitch.

Yelich greets him with a strikeout on six pitches and a close swing. They’re up five runs so there’s no reason to argue.

Santana Ks. Thanks for coming out!

Shaw grounds out to Second. Brian/Bill let me know that was the best inning of the night for Cardinal pitching.

1982 was 36 years ago.

And also you lost.

Take that Bud Selig Team.

That’s right Brewers. You’re the Bud Selig Team.

7th Inning

Suter Ks Ozuna.

Ho hum.

Suter’s 87th pitch walks Molina.

I mean, some of his other ones helped but the 87th one was the last one.

Gyorko flies out on the 88th one.

Pace of play and all that.

Bader pops out on the 89th pitch.

We all just really wanted to see Suter pitch the 8th inning.

Not gonna lie, Pizza Ranch commercials hit this son of a couple of farmers in the nostalgia bone.

Gant’s facing Aguilar.

Which seems lame until you think about your average Thursday night.

Aguilar with a ground-ball base-hit.

Villar reaches on a ground-ball through Gyorko.

Errors are like signatures on the painting that is a crap game.

By the way, if you want a Crap Game Painting, I know someone.

Sogard flies out to Center and there’s two on and no one out and Manny Pina is up and he’s had a real good day but he finally flies out.

With two on and two out, Suter gets lifted for a pinch hitter.

Hernan Perez is up.

He gets an infield hit and loads the bases.

I’m sad again.

Thames triples.

Whoever you are, right now I hate you.

10 - 2 Brewers.

Gyorko screws up defensively again.

“And the St. Louis Cardinals look like the bad news bears tonight.”

—Brian or Bill

11 -2 Brewers.

2 errors in the inning for Gyorko.

8th Inning

Some things we love just because of tradition. And some things we love for no reason. But when the two meet, it’s usually at a ballpark.

Taylor Williams on to pitch. He allows Munoz to reach First. Some people are just kindly.

Greg Garcia gets a pinch hit single.

I told you Williams was kindly.

First and Second for Carpenter. We need nine runs, they need six outs.

We have two on.

Williams kindly walks Carpenter.

Bases loaded.

Pham Ks. I get the feeling Taylor Williams is done being kindly.

Jose Martinez hits into a 6 - 4 - 3 double play.

Why should we have nice things?

Greg Garcia is on to pitch.

He’s a position player.

An infielder.

Garcia faces the minimum because who cares about anything?

9th Inning

Ozuna leads off against Jennings by popping out to Manny Pina.

There has been way too much Manny Pina in this game.

Francisco Pena is up because no one cares anymore.

Brian or Bill is selling raffle tickets.

And lapel pins.

Pena grounds out to Second.

The inevitable death is but one moment away.

One moment from our escape.

Gyorko has the audacity to double into Right Field.

Bader has the outright gall to chop an infield hit.

Munoz singles in a run like a jerk.

Finally, Garcia mercifully grounds out.

Let’s not remember this one.