Trade for the Moon?

The offseason is a great time to come up with hypothetical trades. Every team has needs, and it is fun to mix and match trades so that each team gets what it wants.

Names this offseason that have sparked our interest have been Chris Sale, Charlie Blackmon, Jose Quintana, and several others. Everyone seems to daydream about what it would take to get Mike Trout, the best player in the Bigs.

These are some pretty lofty trade ideas. But, what if we actually aren’t thinking big enough?

What if we traded for the actual moon? The large globe of rock that orbits the earth? What would it take to get a deal like that done?

First off, what does the moon offer the Cardinals? The answers, in my opinion, are size and gravity. If you put the moon in center field, it would attract every fly ball with its gravitational pull. Even though the pull is only about one sixth Earth's gravity, it should be strong enough to cover the entire outfield, thus rendering one corner outfielder irrelevant as long as the moon is out there. You would still need one extra outfield physically on the moon to make the throws for it. Having a player essentially as a DH in a National League lineup would be invaluable.

At the plate, the moon might not be as useful. The gravity would pull the ball towards it to where it would get a hit-by-pitch each at-bat. A 1.000 OBP would be tempting, but it would clog up the bases as it has a very difficult time changing directions.

So, judging by this evaluation, the moon would appear to have some value to the Cardinals, but the baserunning hitch might be too much for the Birds to handle. The United States of America currently has rights to the moon, so the Cardinals would have to negotiate with them. The Birds could offer Piscotty. He is a Stanford man and could be of use to NASA and the brain trusts in Washington. However, the moon most likely has more value to the USA than the Birds. The moon represents a future piece of land for terraforming and colonization for the USA to combat overpopulation, whereas it only represents a slow, light hitting, yet Gold Glove center fielder for an MLB team.

Prediction: no deal gets done. Fowler plays CF for the Cardinals while USA destroys moon in drilling accident within next 3 decades thus killing the Earth’s ecosystems as we know them.

Thanks! Go Birds!