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Matt Adams is in the best shape of his life, again

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You can set your watch by it.

St Louis Cardinals v Arizona Diamondbacks Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images

Over the weekend, Derrick Goold reported that Matt Adams has already lost 25 pounds this offseason. If the story seems familiar, that’s because it is.

Here’s a brief history previous Matt Adams offseason training stories:

2012/2013

It was a simpler time. Barack Obama easily won re-election. K-Pop crossover Psy reminded us all how to dance. And Matt Adams reportedly lost 15 pounds.

Adams was one of several players who reported weight loss after working with Simon Lusky, the team’s newly-hired chef and nutritionist. According to Rob Rains, Lusky event spent a few days in Adams’ home teaching his family how to cook his meals.

“Adams believes the weight loss, and loss of body fat, will give him more mobility as well as allow him to use his hips more to generate power in his swing.”

2013/2014

The launch of Xbox One and Playstation 4 moved gamers into yet another era of consoles. Canadian short story author Alice Munro was awarded the Nobel Prize in literature. And Matt Adams reportedly lost six pounds during the offseason.

Big Mayo told reporters he was able to reshape his body and slim down by lowering his body fat. He was “noticeably slimmer” when he appeared at the Cardinals Winter Warm-Up in January.

2014/2015

The Left Shark in Katy Perry’s Super Bowl Halftime performance taught us all to dance again. (We had forgotten since 2012). J.K. Simmons won an Oscar for his memorable turn as the abusive jazz instructor in Whiplash. And Matt Adams...

I can’t find much documentation from this offseason, although Bernie noted at the start of spring training that Adams tends to put on weight during the season and the Cardinals were privately putting more effort into conditioning.

2015/2016

Jon Hamm finally won an Emmy for his final season in the role of Don Draper on Mad Men. Reality Show Star Donald Trump hosted Saturday Night Live, and Matt Adams cut out carbs altogether.

Adams reportedly worked with a new trainer who encouraged “agility and explosive-movement work.” He went through a 21-day stretch of zero carbs. While he lost no weight, he reportedly lowered his body fat.

2016/2017

And that brings us back to the present offseason, where Adams has reportedly worked extensively with a Pilates instructor, spending the offseason in St. Louis with a group including Kolten Wong and Seth Maness.

In addition to Goold’s anecdote that Adams’ parents hardly recognized him when he returned home for the holidays, it was reported that “Big Skinny” surprised fans when he appeared at the Winter Classic, looking svelte.

So that’s five offseasons Matt Adams has spent as a St. Louis Cardinal and five offseasons worth of “best shape of his life” stories. What have we learned?

Well, if you’ve always wanted to know what’s for dinner at the Adams house, or what kind of workouts Matt does in December, these stories should provide fodder for your Big Mayo fanfic. If you’re hoping for insight into how the player’s performance might improve next season, you won’t find it here.

The “best shape of his life story” may be the clammiest of clams, but it’s not so different from other offseason staples, like the “tinkering with his swing” story. It’s like the narrative version of laying down a spring bet on your team to win the World Series. It’s unlikely that you will collect, but it will make a nice story if you ever do.

Go ahead and imagine Matt Adams and Kolten Wong doing Pilates together - I know I am. But in terms of how much these stories should change what you expect from a player in the coming season, I would suggest “not at all.”