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Cardinals news and notes: Hazelbaker, Waino, and all of the homers

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The Cardinals won last night, by a lot, and now Deadspin has another post to fill today. Sad!

Jeff Curry-USA TODAY Sports

About half an hour before the season began, I was discussing the Cardinals roster when it dawned on me: I did not know how to pronounce the surname of Jeremy Hazelbaker (I suppose, technically, I hadn't heard his first name said aloud either, though I had some reasonable certainty there).

My instinct was the way it actually is pronounced: Hazel, as in semi-popular 90s rock band Sister Hazel; and Baker, as in Frank "Home Run" Baker, the Dead Ball era third baseman nicknamed because he hit 96 career home runs, which was once considered a preposterously high total. Yeah, I don't know why specifically these are my points of reference, but they are. So be it. But it could have been Ha (as in ha-ha)-zuhl-bah-ker. I had no way of knowing (aside from actually bothering to pay attention during the few innings of Spring Training games I watched).

And now, just thirteen days later, I am increasingly certain that Jeremy Hazelbaker will be Stephen Piscotty's running mate in his presidential run this fall. Life moves fast.

Here's a recap of VEB on one of the thirteen days since the great Hazelbaker dilemma.

Hazelbaker and hot starts

compared the red-hot first nine games of Jeremy Hazelbaker's MLB career to the starts of such Cardinals as Bo Hart and Albert Pujols. Basically, he's probably not as good as Albert Pujols, but he might be better than Bo Hart. Fun fact: I was at Bo Hart's first career game in the Majors. It was in Milwaukee, neither my dad nor I had heard of him, and Brewers fans had a lot of questions about this random guy who was immediately torching their team. I think I bring up being at this game more in conversation than I bring up everything that happened to me in high school combined. It was a big deal at the time.

Remain calm for Adam Wainwright

Adam Wainwright tweeted on Thursday night that fans should remain calm, and lil scooter provided the rundown yesterday. While Waino has been mediocre thus far, I think we may need a message from the legendary ol curmudgeon himself (3:36 mark).

Glad we've got that cleared up.

Cardinals should destroy the Reds

Craig Edwards wrote about how the Cardinals should destroy the Reds. Hey, remember 2 1/2 years ago when the Reds were in the playoffs? The world is crazy sometimes. Anyway, as you'll see a couple links from now, so far so good.

The prospect report

Ebo wrote about some minor league performances of top prospects. Rather than seeing me regurgitate bits of the article, just go ahead and click on it for the full details.

The game...it went well

The Cardinals won 14-3. I missed much of the game as I elected instead to yell expletives at a television showing hockey, but as I confirmed from mister_manager's recap, the Cardinals hit all of the home runs. Literally, all of them. There are no more home runs. Home runs were a great natural resource and, selfishly, we took them all with little-to-no concern for whether future generations could use home runs. We are deplorable. Aledmys Diaz, Randal Grichuk, Brandon Moss, Matt Adams, and especially that selfish, selfish Matt Holliday are depriving our children and our children's children of the great gift of dingers.

Oh, and here was the game thread.

The Cardinals play at 1:15 today. Be sure to check back on VEB for the game thread.