2015.08.21 Cardinals at Padres Recap: Ham hands, homers, hilarity leads to Cardinal loss

pre game

cardinal lineup:

padres lineup:

game

Do... Do I have to? Okay fine. Let's recap this... thing.

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Guess who has the Friday game <a href="https://twitter.com/vivaelbirdos">@vivaelbirdos</a> recap duty... &#10;I can do this. *deep breath* <a href="http://t.co/xBlwOjJh7z">pic.twitter.com/xBlwOjJh7z</a></p>&mdash; Scooter Simon (@lil_scooter93) <a href="https://twitter.com/lil_scooter93/status/634933158295703552">August 22, 2015</a></blockquote> <script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

The above is a gif from the Nickelodeon cartoon Legend of Korra. Legend of Korra is set in the same universe as the critically acclaimed Avatar: The Last Airbender (which originally aired when I was twelve - not that I have to explain myself because adults love it, too, so there). I like this show because Korra is cool, tough, funny, and a badass female "superhero" main character in an action series, which is pretty rare and awesome. I do not just bring this up because I am stalling to avoid the recap or because I am a nerd or because she is just a bawsss that deserves recognition (all are true, of course), but because Legend of Korra and Avatar along with this game follow a very distinct pattern common in trilogies now, thanks in large part to George Lucas, that I am going to use to unpack the events that unfolded.

Innings 1-4: A New Hope

John Lackey was straight-up dealing. At this end of this act, he had four strikeouts, was at less than forty pitches, and looked to be cruising. In addition, the Cardinals were able to cobble together a run in the first inning after Piscotty reached on a error and was singled in by Yadier Molina. Jason Heyward made a great defensive play. The game looked promising and with the Padres being a weaker offensive club (92 wRC+, twenty-third in league), Lackey going deep into this game did not seem out of the realm of possibility.

Unfortunately, the universe just loves proving me wrong.

Inning 5: The Empire Strikes Back

Reporter: Could you describe that fifth inning from a defensive standpoint?

John Lackey: Nope. Not gonna do it.

Sadly, I do not have the luxury of just not talking about it. There were three Cardinal errors in this inning, two on the same play. The inning began  ordinarily enough with the leadoff hitter reaching via a single. The madness began just the next batter, though. Andrew Cashner, pitcher, stepped up to the plate, presumably to bunt. He got the bunt down the first base line Mark Reynolds, but alas, like a genius, he bunted the ball too hard. Reynolds aggressively thought he could get the lead runner out at second, perhaps even turn a double play, but he sailed the throw into left field, which allowed the lead runner, Amarista, to reach third. This error was then compounded when Stephen Piscotty, smartly in position to back up the throw and may have even had a shot at getting Amarista at third, too sailed his throw, this one into the dugout, which allowed Amarista to score the Padres first run of the night. It would not be the last. Jankowski singled and Solarte hit a dinger to make the score four to one. Yonder Alonzo walked and reached second on a wild pitch. This proved important as the next hitter, Justin Upton, hit a single to bring him home and make the score five to one. The third error of the inning occurred when Kolten Wong dropped the throw from Yadi to catch Upton trying to steal. Lackey fortunately went on to strike out the next two batters to bring the inning to a merciful end.

Inning 7: Return of the Jedi

The Cardinals managed to chip away at the four run deficit, scoring twice in the seventh. Mark Reynolds led off the inning with a double and scored on a Tommy Pham triple. Pham then scored on a Stephen Piscotty sacrifice fly. The Cardinals continued to chip away mounting a huge comeback that we will forever look back on fondly.

Inning 8: The One with Jar-Jar

Carlos Villanueva came in to try to keep the game close going into the ninth against Kimbrel. Except he did not. Here is how this inning went.

Double
Brett Wallace Dinger lol
Merciful Pop Out
Single
Merciful Lineout
Matt Kemp Dinger
Merciful Strikeout

In case you lost track, that is four runs, making the score now nine to three and no longer a save situation. The Cardinals were shutdown in the ninth by a man named Quackenbush, dropping an ugly one.

stray thoughts:

• As my grandma would say, that game was "uglier'n homemade soap".
• No offense to the west coast or anything, but your ridiculously late games are really cramping my style, just sayin'.

post game

LIL SCOOTER'S PEST OF THE GAME/HONORARY JEDD GYORKO AWARD:

Andrew Cashner leads all players with .354 WPA, .275 of that coming as a hitter, all because of those darn errors. He also struck out eight Cardinals tonight which is admittedly pretty good. Honorable mention goes to Jankowski for a successful debut.

Source: FanGraphs

Saturday is a new day... well kind of, since, you know, the style-cramping late start time. Carlos Martinez will face off against Ian Kennedy at a much more manageable 7:40pm CST. I am wearing my Viva el Gallo shirt right now!