As we move from 2014 to 2015, it is an appropriate time for reflection and self-assessment. This period of greater awareness often results in the annual tradition of creating New Year's resolutions. These resolutions spring from our deficiencies, areas we wish to improve on. We seek out ways to better ourselves. It is a whole new year and with it comes new possibilities to elevate ourselves. Coming to terms with our own weaknesses can be scary. Confronting our own fragility, our vulnerability and admitting that we still have things we need to work on is hard. So I'm not doing that. What follows are resolutions for Mike Matheny.
Note: Where indicated, the submission came from another writer
1. If the opportunity ever arises to use a pitcher in a deciding moment in a playoff game if the pitcher only pitched a few games after getting injured and has not pitched in about three weeks, don't do that.
2. Read Weaver on Strategy by Earl Weaver. (Ben Humphrey)
3. Find the person responsible for the following:
Matheny goes over the signals for tonight's game #stlcards pic.twitter.com/VTM4evDm1X— alex fritzmas (@boxcar_fritz) October 3, 2014
4. Once the responsible party has been found, give lecture on the importance of family.
5. If you have a pitcher with an extensive injury history, don't let him throw 38 pitches in one inning.
6. Lose 20 pounds. Got to stay in shape for the moms. (lil_scooter93)
7. Find the person responsible for the following:
I still can't believe Matheny's "wouldn't it be neat if this happened" managerial philosophy didn't work out.— Craig Edwards (@craigjedwards) October 17, 2014
8. Once the responsible party has been found, give lecture on doing things the right way.
9. Don't pitch relief pitchers in three straight games.
10. If for some reason, number nine falls through the cracks as some resolutions do, for the love of god, do not pitch him in four straight games.
11. Learn to play the saxophone.
12. Give El Gallo a full season in the rotation. (Aaron Finkel)
13. Find the person responsible for the following:
Matheny with Descalso is like a kindergartner with scissors. Mo needs to take the scissors away. #STLCards— Ben (@b_g_h) May 2, 2014
14. Once the responsible party has been found, give lecture on responsibility.
15. Make appointment with proctologist; sticking own head up ass seems inefficient way to check for problems. (red_baron)
16. Do not bunt in the first inning with a position player.
17. Or the third, or the fourth.
18. Just don't bunt.
19. Take an art class. Maybe try comics.
19. Watch every game of the 2011 postseason and write down the inning and score when Tony La Russa removed the starting pitcher. (Ben Humphrey)
20. Find the person responsible for the following:
I understand those in the "Matheny is dumb" camp, but I think they're underselling intellectual arrogance as a driving factor.— Aaron Finkukkah (@Aaron_Finkel) August 8, 2014
21. Once the responsible party has been found, give lecture on what it means to be a Michigan Man.
22. Kiss Jason Heyward's ass. (Aaron Finkel)
23. Learn about the Oxford comma.
24. Probably need to make sure that Adam Wainwright doesn't pitch 250 innings in the regular season. (lil_scooter93)
25. Find the party responsible for the following:
@b_g_h @sendejasr Matheny literally ruins everything. He is a choose your own adventure book that always ends with you captured by pirates.— Heather Simon (@lil_scooter93) October 21, 2014
26. Once the responsible party has been found, give lecture on the difficulties of writing a book.
27. Play a Grichuk/Bourjos/Heyward defense in a spacious OF at least once. (Aaron Finkel)
28. Read Catch 22. I'm not sure that phrase means what I think it means.
29. Consider getting in the development business.
30. Find the party responsible for this:
THIS JUST IN: Live shot of Mike Matheny after putting Motte AND Masterson in a meaningful game still within reach... pic.twitter.com/geSgfKKjAt— stlCupofJoe (@stlCupofJoe) September 10, 2014
31. Once the responsible party has been found, tell funny flag anecdote from '89 that the editor cut from my book for some reason. Then give lecture on respect.
32. Catch up on Downton Abbey.
33. Eat a few hot dog sandwiches.
Happy New Year!