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Cardinals at Orioles Recap: John Lackey and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

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Everything is ruined.

the cardinals are not even able to be the cover photo of a post on their own blog
the cardinals are not even able to be the cover photo of a post on their own blog
Joy R. Absalon-USA TODAY Sports

pre game

Today's Lineups

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS BALTIMORE ORIOLES
Matt Carpenter - 3B Nick Markakis - RF
Kolten Wong - 2B Manny Machado - 3B
Matt Holliday - LF Adam Jones - CF
Matt Adams - 1B Nelson Cruz - DH
Jhonny Peralta - DH Chris Davis - 1B
Oscar Taveras - RF J.J. Hardy - SS
A.J. Pierzynski - C Delmon Young - LF
Jon Jay - CF Caleb Joseph - C
Daniel Descalso - SS Jonathan Schoop - 2B
John Lackey - RHP Ubaldo Jimenez - RHP

game

In my twenty-one years of life never have I seen anything like what I have seen the past few days. Not Wrigley, not Coors, not even Great American Ballpark can match the torture and pain Camden Yards has caused me. This place isn't a ballpark - this place isn't of this world.

It is Hell. An orange and brown Hell.

Time and gravity cease to exist. Rivers flow backwards. At one point I expected the sun to turn black and the ground to open up and swallow the entire stadium, devouring all miserable inhabitants in its path.

The Cardinals needed a hero. Only one man was brave and strong enough to stop the abuse and attack of the Orioles. His name is Seth Maness. Maness was by far the Cardinals best player today, going two innings, striking out three, allowing no hits. He and Choate have been the only two Cardinal pitchers to not surrender runs this series.

Believe it or not, there was a point in this game where it looked like the Cardinals were going to win. Ubaldo Jimenez was not sharp and the Cardinals were able to work a run off him in the first on a Jhonny Peralta double. Matt Carpenter would score from second, while Matt Holliday would be thrown out at the plate trying to score from first. That Cardinals would add on two more on a Jon Jay home run and later sacrifice fly. The Birdos would clog the bases the rest of the day, mustering nine hits total, but with the starting pitcher, John Lackey, giving up three long balls, the offensive just wasn't enough

Have you ever seen the movie Space Jam? Do you remember the part where the aliens take all the NBA players' talent? Yesterday and today the Cardinals have looked a lot like the Looney Tunes. The Orioles have been monstars, and unfortunately, I do not think Michael Jordan will be able to help this time.

And, just to troll us all, Daniel Descalso went 3-3 with a walk today.

post game

LIL SCOOTER'S PAIN IN THE ASS OF THE GAME:

This honor gets split among three players today, the 6, 7, 8 hitters in the line-up, J.J. Hardy, Delmon Young, and Caleb Joseph. Their WPA was .086, .194, and .194, respectively. Collectively they went 6-12 with two home runs, six RBI, and five runs scored.


Source: FanGraphs

TWEET/GAMETHREAD COMMENT OF THE GAME:

Tomorrow, Lance Lynn must save us from the dastardly Orioles, who have somehow stolen the talent of the 1927 Yankees Murders' Row . In Lynn we trust.

Now I am off to watch more Vikings. The last episode I watched featured nine human sacrifices. So it was pretty similar to this game, actually.