On Mathenyging and MLB.TV


The Gods of Baseball are angry, they are very angry. Millions of MLB.TV subscribers are having difficulty receiving the product they have paid for, as MLB.TV consistently freezes, delays, reloads and goes black. St. Louis Cardinals Manager Mike Matheny is now in his third year as a Leader of Men. His performance in terms of lineup construction, pitcher hitter match ups, platooning, pinch hitting and bullpen usage should be improving. With a wealth of data at his disposal in one of the best organizations in baseball, his decision making has become ever more perplexing, and reached a new low on Monday night at Busch III against the Milwaukee Brewers. With an absolute power surge on offense the Cardinals led this game 3 to 0 at the end of the sixth inning.

In a series of moves so fundamentally wrong and so strategically inappropriate, beginning with the failure to use Carlos Martinez as a stopper when he could have preserved the victory - Matheny caused the entire space time continuum to invert on itself. Matheny tapped into a force field that he neither intentionally cultivates nor regulates, creating an all-encompassing negative synergy that caused MLB.TV to freeze, reload, or fail to reload during each critical moment thereafter in the game.

When the MM brain glitches, the entire Internet goes epileptic and apoplectic. Space and Time contract, invert and expand so rapidly that entirely new layers of Space and Time are generated randomly, only to be reserved or unleashed on the unsuspecting fan, player, broadcaster or umpire at entirely random intervals that unnervingly reflect the Manager's incompetence. Famine, flood, spontaneous combustion, high ground ball rates, low iso rates, terrifying babips, pestilence, low slugging percentages, dangerously high levels of Mathenyging compound, accelerate and regenerate. MLB.TV explodes and nuclear annihilation is sure to follow.

Help us GOB, in thy name we pray.