Pharmacopeia

Scene: interior, suburban home. a balding, middleaged white man, slightly overweight, sits in a chair. An interviewer [out of shot] questions the man.

Interviewer: What do you think about the influx of PEDs in baseball?

Man: Well, you know, it makes me sad. Baseball is America's pasttime. We should be able to trust the athletes we look up to.

A text bubble appears in the corner of the screen, a la Pop-up Video: "Takes Viagra so that he can successfully engage in intercourse with a co-worker when on business trips away from his wife."

Man: I mean, baseball's about the purest thing we have. We should be able to feel like what is happening on the field is all-natural, not the result of who gets the best drugs.

Interviewer: What do you expect in terms of performance from baseball players?

Man: I expect that they're going to compete based on skill. I mean, skill is what it's all about.

Pop-up: Has stolen one of his son's Adderall pills at least six times in the last 18 months so that he would have "a little edge" for big presentations at work.

Man: Nobody is coming to see them put on some drug-fueled show. It's just dishonest.

Interviewer: Some people would say that it doesn't matter whether performance is drug-influenced or not, that baseball is about entertainment. Those people might say that, if players hit more home runs, and the crowds enjoy it, what does it matter?

Man: I tell my son it's important to play by the rules, no matter what the rules are.

Pop-up: Has smoked marijuana more than 500 times in his life.

Man: I mean even if you don't like the rules, they are still rules. You have to follow them.

Interviewer: How do you talk about the scandal with your son?

Man: Well, he's just heartbroken. I mean, these guys are his heroes. He doesn't think they're drug users.

Pop-up: Has used cocaine 57 times in his life, dropped acid 3 times, and eaten magic mushrooms 5 times.

Man: Who's he going to look up to now? Who's he going to have faith in? I tell him that he can't trust people who will break their word and people who will use drugs.

Interviewer: What do you think the long-term impact on society of these scandals will be?

Man: When public figures send a message that drug use is okay, I think it encourages our kids to use drugs. And drug are tearing our country apart.

Pop-up: Went to three different doctors until he could find one who would give him an oxycontin prescription for a nebulously described "back pain."

Man: I worry about my son getting exposed to drugs. I see those people, those addicts sometimes in the city.

Pop-up: Has a Xanax prescription for anxiety. Often takes one "just to unwind" after work.

Man: I mean, you look at those addicts. They're nothing but animals.

Interviewer: Do you think baseball players bear some responsibility to kids in setting a public example?

Man: Absolutely. I think it's their responsibility to show my son what it means to be honest. He needs someone to look up to.