The St. Louis Cardinals Engage Limp-Home Mode

[Editor's note: The following is excerpted from the 2012 St. Louis Cardinals' Owner Manual, which I had to download off a shady Russian file-sharing site a few weeks ago after I couldn't find it in the glove compartment. You can find this in Seating and Safety Features in your own guide and follow along.]

Child Restraints: [cont'd from previous page] ... your veteran starter out of the front seat until he turns 34, no matter how much he begs about it. Seats meeting the LATCH standard are available all through the upper deck of Busch Stadium, as in Figure 11.17.

Brakes: Your 2012 St. Louis Cardinals are equipped with a regenerative braking system designed to automatically bleed off excess momentum into the Auxilliary Battery Reservoir. The ABR™ powers your car's professional and amateur tweeting functions without engaging the thought tank or analysis fluid.

Adaptive Cruz Control allows your 2012 St. Louis Cardinals to never, ever play Tony Cruz.

Limp-Home Mode: Your 2012 St. Louis Cardinals are equipped with a Limp-Home Mode, which allows them to continue at a reduced speed after catastrophic lineup failure. If your trip computer is indicating limp-home mode, follow the instructions in your fold-out 2012 St. Louis Cardinals pamphlet, "COME ON #STLPOOPCARDS SCORE A FREAKIN RUN ALREADY #STLPOOPCARDS #STLPOOPCARDS #STLPOOPCARDS #STLPOOPCARDS #STLPOOPCARDS #STLPOOPCARDS #STLPO "

1. If Your Rafael Furcal Is Malfunctioning. Drive very slowly to Memphis. Do not pick up hitchhikers. Promote Ryan Jackson before you've watched him hit.

In limp-home mode your shortstop will begin moving sluggishly on the basepaths, and may emit smoke while swinging a bat. This is normal behavior. Your 2012 St. Louis Cardinals LTZ model may be equipped with the ability to play shortstop while spinning; ask your dealer.

2. If your Carlos Beltran Is Loping Less Gracefully Than Usual. Okay, okay, this is super easy. You left the spare in, right? Get the spare out and just kind of—the tools are in a bag, and you're going to want to put them together like in the movies, where one's kind of spinning around the other one. Open the—it's between the wheel wells, there, and it's marked LANCE BERKMAN, so just get him out.

2a. Is your Lance Berkman stumbling less gracefully than usual? Matt Carpenter, I guess?

In Limp-Home Mode the Depth Package (standard on LT1, LT2, LTZ, IROC-Z models) is no longer your 2012 St. Louis Cardinals' team strength; it's all that keeps them from breaking down by the side of the road with a bunch of guys named Andrew Brown stalking you in a tow-truck. Use just enough depth to push your 2012 St. Louis Cardinals into the nearest Wild Card Play-In Game, and then floor it.