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No Apologies, Never Surrender

It feels good when people like you or when you share interests. You know what feels better? Sex. You know what also feels better? Winning.

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The 2011 World Series Championship Trophy. You can look, but you can't touch.
The 2011 World Series Championship Trophy. You can look, but you can't touch.

Earlier this week, October 14th to be exact, Will Leitch penned an article that barely met his requisite quota of royal "we"s. In it, he articulated surprise and a touch of angst at the idea that his beloved Cardinals were not, in fact, universally beloved. To wit:

I’m not comfortable with the notion of the Cardinals as the bad guys, but, of course, no fan ever is.


So even though I want you to know and love the Cardinals the way I do, I know you can’t, because they’re not family to you. So buzz off. My team, and those who love them like I do, that’s my family. Go Cardinals. My team is better than your team.

The important takeaway from this writing is that last phrase. "My team is better than your team."

Take note, Braves. My team is better than your team. We sent your aging superstar home not just for the rest of the season but for LIFE. Chipper Jones will never pick up a bat again except to hit grounders to his kid's little league team. A single tear will slowly run down his face, pudgy with inactivity.

The Cardinals told you to take your racist tomahawk chop home. You threw trash at them. They stuck their thumb in the collective eye of Atlanta. And as a St. Louis Cardinals fan, I loved every second of it. It's too bad you couldn't hit the ball out of the infield. So sad. My team was better than your team.

Take note, Nationals. My team is better than your team. The crotch-grabbing, Mormon, (then) teenager will have to wait until he's a man before he can take that terrible douchebag haircut to the National League Championship Series. Maybe his dog, Swag, can console him.

Remember that time you had one of the best pitcher's in baseball on your team? You locked up a post season berth early and you didn't rest him. Then he was unavailable for the NLDS and you lost. Remember that? Your GM was moron of epic proportions.

But it wasn't enough for my team to beat you. No. They decided they wanted to look into your "bright eyed, deer-in-the-headlights" face, rip out your heart and then munch on your entrails. Just because they can. (We rate your entrails as a 9. It would have been a 10 with garlic salt.) And guess what? They did. You had a six run lead after three innings. You squandered it. You couldn't even manage to keep your butthole clenched long enough to avoid shitting the bed for one more inning. You were up by four runs. Who beat you? One of the worst players on the Cardinals, Pete F. Kozma. Just remember: My team is better than yours.

Now we arrive at the Giants. I'm sorry you felt dismissed when pundits began lauding the Cardinals. It's hard for fans to have to go through that. I understand what that's like. Really, I do. In 2006, someone predicted the Detroit Tigers would be the Cardinals in three games to win the World Series. Instead, the Cardinals carried their giant brass balls all the way to Detroit and decided to win the whole god damn thing that year. It felt amazing. Your team doesn't get enough respect. [Insert pouty face here] Too bad they curled up in the fetal position as the Cardinals walked all over them.

It's too bad that Buster Posey has no one on his team to help him out. Too bad that poor baby Madison Bumgarner's lil arm is so twired. Too bad that Angel Pagan has no one left to salute. Too bad that they'll have to make that long trip back to San Francisco knowing that there's nothing left for them. Why? Because the Cardinals. The St. Louis Cardinals decided they were going to win this year and there's nothing you can do about it.

See, the Cardinals decided that they were going to win last year too. Down to their last strike but not out. They won. All of it. I've seen the trophy. It's shiny. The ladies love it. In 2011, the Cardinals shoved the Phillies face in the mud, punched Brewers in the nuts and then slayed all the first born of the Rangers. The Cardinals could do all that because they won the World Series. You probably don't remember what that's like since you've only won 6 in your team's existence. Here's a reminder: It feels great.

And that's what Will Leitch's article missed. The fans of other teams, teams that aren' the Cardinals, they can fuck off. I don't care if they don't like the Cardinals. If you don't like the Cardinals, you don't like winning. I don't like to hang out with losers. You and your team are losers.

I'm going to drink some beer tonight. I may or may not sleep with your wife. Haven't decided yet. I get to choose though because I'm a winner. Deep down, everyone wants to be with a winner. That's what makes the Cardinals so attractive. You don't hate the Cardinals. You're jealous of them. You're jealous that they're winners and you're not. They met teams like yours in 2011. They beat teams like yours in 2011.

I'd apologize for being crude or unseemly about this but if there's one thing I've learned, it's that winners never apologize. I hope your team loses in a heart wrenching manner. More importantly, I hope I'm nearby enough to gloat about it. As one of the BEST FANS IN BASEBALL, I can do no less. After all, my team is better than your team.

Disclaimer for the gullible: This is intended as tongue-firmly-in-cheek.

Disclaimer on the disclaimer: Only losers would believe the first disclaimer.