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The September call-ups and their assignments

Tyler Greene: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to hit clearly and obviously better than Ryan Theriot and Broken Rafael Furcal

For some reason you have not yet done this. Your .201/.303/.306 line shows off your peripheral advantage over Theriot, but unfortunately you happen to strike out as much as Jim Edmonds in his prime. Ryan Theriot's hitting .273/.321/.336 and he doesn't strike out at all. 

Seriously, man—when you don't strike out you're hitting .295/.402/.423; he's hitting .301/.346/.370! (That's right—when Ryan Theriot doesn't strike out he turns into Skip Schumaker.) Work on that!

Rafael Furcal, meanwhile—I didn't want to be the one to break it to you, but Rafael Furcal has stolen your identity. He's beguiled your friends, seduced your wife, and taken over your fantasy football team, "Amendola Bill Yall$." He's hitting .228/.278/.390 since joining the Cardinals, showing off speed and power and no batting average and a great throwing arm. All this and the Cardinals have talked about bringing him back! 

If you want to be something other than then utility infielder/Allen Craig's defensive replacement in center field, you can't just settle for being Tyler Greene—you'll have to be Tyler Greene+. 

Brandon Dickson: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to pitch when the Cardinals are down five runs or up five runs, and meanwhile secure your spot atop the Memphis Redbirds' rotation. I like the sharp little curveball thing you threw yesterday, but you're supposed to gain a few miles per hour out of the bullpen. 

Adron Chambers: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to show you're either different from Jon Jay somehow or exactly like Jon Jay. So far you seem to be taking the second path; in Memphis you showed off some surprise power, failed to get yourself declared a Defensive Whiz, and proved once again that however lightning fast you are you do a mediocre job of using it in game situations. 

Back when Colby Rasmus was on the team and Jay was the third-and-a-half outfielder you had a pretty solid chance of promoting Jay into another organization and settling in as the genuine fourth outfielder in his place. Now that Jay is the starter with a career OPS+ of 116 he's irreplaceable, and you're much too close to him in skill-set to be anybody's ideal fourth outfielder, hence all the Allen-Craig-in-center stuff. 

If you yourself manage a 116 OPS+ in your first 243 games, nobody will complain. 

Shane Robinson: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to keep me from forgetting you're on the roster every day just before gametime.

You bat from the right side to be this team's fourth outfielder, and you're a well-regarded fielder and briefly an infield conversion project, but so far all we have is 43 games that show you're an average AAA hitter.

Tony Cruz: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to try to convince people you really do believe a third catcher is necessary on a modern 25-man roster while slowly poisoning Gerald Laird

Maikel Cleto: Your mission, and please, please, please accept this, is to try and give me a chance to figure out your whole deal for once. Your fastball is awesome. It sits at 98 and every second or third one is a perfect pitch on the outside corner, just above the knees. In spite of this you supposedly have no command, and so far you throw your secondary pitch even less than Jason Motte 2009. 

You're a big guy with an easy motion and you've got excellent K:BB numbers in high-A and AA, where you're age-appropriate, yet people aren't especially excited about you as a starter after they watch you pitch. I don't get this; I want to get this. If in the course of me getting it you can strike out Prince Fielder swinging a few more times, I wouldn't complain. 

Nick Punto: Your mission—Hey, it's Nick Punto, everybody!