clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

DO NOT OPEN, Secret Road Trip Diary, TOP SECRET

April 7—Dear Diary,

So we started our road trip, and things are totes awkward right now. Tony keeps saying Ryan Franklin's okay to drive but he's also all you-never-ask-directions and Frankie just keeps driving west and it's kind of creeping me out, because he won't make eye contact with any of us. Earlier Colby looked at him driving and then at me and after like a hundred minutes he told me to Google "elephant graveyard" on my Sidekick, which I did, but all I got was pictures of elephants. 

Meanwhile everybody's pissed off because they aren't hitting. Mr. Pujols has been caravaning alone in that huge truck he has ever since Lance was all, "I bet you could get to San Francisco faster if you took Route 4-6-3." LOL! Ryan Theriot told me that we wouldn't ever score again unless he started hitting dingers, so Big Mac is happy about that, I guess.

Plus I left my DS charger at the Motel 6 in Laramie and when I asked Frankie if we could go back and get it he just screamed for five solid minutes so I have to listen to all of it. We could use a "slumpbuster", which is what Mark Grace called breaking out of a slump by getting several hits in the same game. 

- Kyle

April 8—Dear Diary,

Jake Westbrook says that, being a sinkerball pitcher, sometimes you pitch better when you're walking a lot of batters and allowing home runs.

Frankie's been abusing the spectravision, and he keeps watching the part in The Outsiders where Dallas gets shot by the police on purpose, but he said he'd stop calling me Ponyboy if I didn't tell anybody about it. 

April 9—Dear Diary, 

Wouldn't it be cool if you were a horcrux? If this was Kyle Lohse and the Chamber of Secrets you would be a horcrux, and eventually I'd have to save Alison Brie from you with a basilisk fang, except I don't know where I could buy one, even a replica. 

- Kyle

Do not be alarmed by my spectral fountain pen's sudden play across the pages of your Pepysian chronicle! It is I, the first horcrux of Christy Mathewson! I've been following your tergiversational return to the Cardinals' active squadron with no small interest, which must come, I admit, as no "great surprise" to you, aware as you must be of the way I enjoy "reclaiming" struggling pitchers from my astral "dugout", given my experience with

do you have magic

Some, I must modestly admit, claimed that my "fadeaway" in-shoot could have come from no source but Endor, but I assure you it's nothing more than "elbow's grease" that allowed me to pitch within such narrow pinches!

look I have to go beat brian tallet in 70s-co-rec-volleyball or whatever it is he's dressed up for but okay I'll stop walking people


April 11—Dear Diary,

I am the best. I took your advice and stopped walking everybody, and then Barry Zito took the opposite advice and started walking everybody, and everybody was so excited by me going 1-4 that they got some other hits, too, except for Mr. Pujols, so he keeps watching the part in The Outsiders where Ponyboy (not my nickname any more!) hides out in that abandoned building. 

Writing this on the way to Arizona. Frankie was in a good mood so he picked up this hitchhiker who was just kind of standing out there in the desert, LOL, so we have company now. Colby says that hitchhikers aren't any more dangerous now than they used to be like back in 1990 or whenever, it's just an attribution problem. Plus he likes the way he throws his axe. LOL, I mean his baseball. 

Thinking about changing my name to Sergio Romo Lohse. 

- Kyle

April 13—Dear Diary but especially Chris Matthews horcrux,

Diary, it's like Ryan Theriot says: We're never going to stop scoring runs. Lance's power level is over 9000, LOL. He told Mr. Pujols a joke about hitting into double plays and then they high fived, which, wow. I haven't felt this great since that time in the Ten Millionaires Club when Matt and I told Alex Rodriguez there was a centaur outside and he asked whether he was "bounding majestically upon the grounds." Tony let us stop at IHOP and I got like five nutella crepes, and I've just been eating them ever since. 

Horcrux, could you let me know if you ever had this happen when you were pitching in "The Olden Days"? The hitchhiker showed up tonight and we were going to have to toss him out of the locker room, because nobody's allowed in there since we're all naked in there sometimes, but then he walked over to a locker that I swear was empty and pulled out a jersey that said Sanchez on it, and then he said, "Yes—this is my name, now, Sanchez," and basically I think he's the ghost of "Pedro" Martinez, come to haunt us after he died in that accident where Shea Stadium collapsed, or something else illegal. 

Dear boy, if there are no ladies present I should dare recount a jest once made by our field general, John McGraw, The "Little Napoleon of Truxton-town." On the occasion of The Ironed Man, Joe McGinnity, curling a shutout while suffering from what was, it turns out, a fatal bout with what was known then as Arm Consumption, John McGraw, The "Short Man Who Managed Very Well", said to "Old Six", "Six, I don't care if he is a devil, so long as he's 'turning the old screw' in our direction!", joking of course about the sacrilegious short novel by that man James, although I must add as "The Christian Gentleman" that if he is an actual devil you ought consider my "field manual" on exorcism, "Exorcism in the 'Pinch'", which can be got at 

dude he threw a slider that was like a curveball or something and it was awesome

April 22—Dear Diary That I'm Totally Gay With, 

Blah blah blah about pitching and such, and sometimes my handwriting is bad and other times it's really ornate for some reason, I'm Kyle Lohse and I'm a big dweeb who loves to ride bikes and hurt himself #justplayin

April 26—Dear Diary That I Write About All The Girls Who Like Me In,

Apparently it's totally cool to steal somebody's diary while they're writing about their road trip and then give it back when your team is in town and be all, "#justplayin, Kyle," like thanks, man. Brandon Phillips wouldn't even tell Nelly I said hi, but we're home now and we just won two games against the Reds, which is a big deal. 

Ryan Theriot says we'll be pretty good forever, now, and I agree. We've stopped never hitting, and we've stopped always hitting, so now we're just going to hit most of the time. I told Colby my theory and he just didn't say anything, but he's pretty dumb sometimes. 

I looked back at some of the earlier entries, especially the one Ryan Franklin wrote in red ink even when I told him not to open anything labeled TOP SECRET, and man, we were really overreacting back then. So my plan is basically to never overreact again, which should be easy since we've gotten over the weird stuff already. 

Also I found a Bryan Augenstein action figure in Sanchez's locker, can you tell me about it? 

its me the first horcrux of ryan franklin. did I do this right

kyle man pick up the pen

the action figure is a voodoo doll you dolt eduardo sanchez has trapped me in this book