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Fast Times at St. Louis High

It is 8:15 AM on June 12th of 2010, the last day of school at St. Louis High School. Spirits are high as the students are just seven hours away from break and the school's baseball team, the Cardinals, have just won the division championship. The sun is shining and the birds are chirping, celebrating the success of their brethren on the field and the student's freedom. All of the students are gathered in the auditorium as Dean La Russa makes a speech.

La Russa: I'd like to congratulate you guys on the culmination of your school year! For some of you, this is your last year in High School [looks over to Adam Wainwright, Chris Carpenter, Albert Pujols and Yadier Molina, who are sitting in the back] and for others, you're journey is just beginning. You'll find that I am a tough, but fair, Dean and as long as you follow the school's honor code [gestures to a poster with a picture of David Eckstein and the single word "grit"] I can promise you that you will have an enjoyable High School experience

Now, on a more serious note... I have no doubt that there will be a party tonight - I can understand letting you're hair down a little after a long year.  However, I trust that there will be no drinking or doing drugs.

On an unrelated note, I'd like to introduce a new student, Jeff Suppan! [Gestures to Jeff standing on the side of the stage, a 37 year old man wearing stretchy tight jeans, a Duran Duran t-shirt, sunglasses and fingerless gloves]. He will be, uh, joining our class for this one day only because, uh...

Anyway, enjoy your last day of school!

Cut to Philosophy 101, taught by Mr. Duncan. Class has been in session for the last half hour, and Brendan Ryan has just entered the room with an open shirt, eating a bagel and holding a pair of Vans.

Duncan: Dammit Spicoli, er, I mean Ryan. Why are you late to class again?

Ryan: Oh sorry man, my pa made me shave my mustache this morning and that took awhile. Then, as I was walking to school, a baseball rolled by me. Naturally I dived to try to stop it, but I hit my head on a lamppost and just kinda blacked out for 10 minutes. Then I got a bagel.

Duncan: Just sit down. I am glad this is your last day at this school, you delinquent. Why couldn't you have been more like Westbrook over there [Westbrook buries his face in his hands].

Ryan: What are you talking about man, I'm a junior, I'm not leaving yet.

Duncan: Oh, right. Well just sit down.

Ryan sits down at the back of the class next to Colby Rasmus. The two grin stupidly at eachother and engage in whispered conversation.

Colby: Hey dude are you going to Wainwright's party tonight?

Ryan: I think we should drop by, but I was thinking we could egg Old Man La Russa's house tonight. That guy's been a dick to me for the last three years.

Colby: Oh yeah, good idea man.

Duncan: RASMUS! If you're not too busy talking to your friend, could you please tell me what Nietzsche's views on God were and how they influenced his ideas about human nature?

Colby: Dingodangolenihilism godisdagnabbitdead dangoleubermensch.

Duncan: [confused] I didn't quite catch that. Could you, uh, write it down...?

Colby scribbles on a piece of paper and hands it to Duncan.

Duncan: That's, uh, perfect. Uh...

Bell rings, and the class files out leaving a speechless Duncan to stare at the piece of paper.


Cut to lunchtime, where Yadier Molina, Adam Wainwright, Albert Pujols and Chris Carpenter are sitting.

Pujols: Anyway mangs, as I was telling you, that pitcher for Cincinnati High had no chance. Hanging slider right down the middle - ptssh, that thing still hasn't come down.

Carp: I don't give a fuck about your homerun Albert! Nahh, I'm just kidding. Nice job mang, you won us the championship [high fives].

Yadier: Anyway, Adam I'm psyched your parents are of town this weekend. This party's gonna be fucking great. Damn, I hope Hawksworth's sister is gonna be there, I heard she digs catchers.

Adam: [in a very relaxed quiet voice] Hey thanks, man. I'm looking forward to it too. You know I'm gonna miss you guys next year. In some ways this party represents a changing of the guard - with tomorrow being a new chapter in all our lives. It's pretty deep.

Pujols: Hey, uh, Adam. I've been meaning to ask you. What's with all of this soulful stuff lately?

Adam: I did some LSD with Brendan Ryan the other day. Really good shit man. Changes you're life perspective.

Carp: I don't give a fuck about your life perspective!

Adam: Oh and it really works with the chicks, just ask Anna Benson...

Carp: Now that I give a fuck about [more high fives].

Two boys wearing glasses with identical visages and facial hair - one being a half foot taller than the other - walk by the table.

Pujols: Hey look it's Chair and Mini Me. Let's go throw food at them!

Carpenter picks up an apple and throws it as hard as he can at the taller of the two - it knock's him out of his seat and onto the floor. The assault continues now with meatballs and tomatoes and grapes. The two hapless nerds climb under the table to shield themselves. The Principle, John Mozeliak, comes into the dining hall and tries to stop the indecent; however, Carp, now in a furry, ignores his protestations and continues chucking food now at Mozeliak as well who scurries under the table. Several minutes later the Dean comes in.

La Russa: Hey knock it off kids. Leaving Aaron and Nick alone.

He helps them up and escorts them to the nurses office, with Mozeliak timidly walking behind La Russa.


Cut to gym, the last period of the day, where Skip Schumaker and Kyle Lohse - both wearing tank tops - are lifting weights in front of the mirror.

Lohse: [to Skip] Stho I got that knew shampoo you recommended. OMG, besth sthuff ever!!

Skip: Did you get the conditioner? That's really the secret. Just look at my silky smooth hair.

Lohse examine's Skip's buzzcut with wide eyes, and accidentally drops the weights on his foot.

Lohse: ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. I have to go the nursthes office!

Lohse runs out wailing, Skip goes back to lifting weights.


The final bell rings and all of the students run of out of the school, with Alice Cooper's "School's Out For The Summer" playing in the background. The scene cuts to outside the school where Jaime Garcia is leaning on a cherry red 1965 Mustang, wearing tight jeans, a white shirt and shades.

Jaime: [calls out to some girls walking by] Hey chicas, you going to that party tonight? You want a ride with Hotme?

Girls: [giggling] Aren't you a freshman or something? That isn't even your car! [they walk away]

Jaime despondently turns around and notices Yadier Molina scowling behind him.

Yadier: What the hell are you doing bendejo, get off my car!

Jaime: Oh I'm sorry, I was just trying to pick up some chicks. Being a freshman I'm not allowed at the party tonight, and I was just hoping to get one more score before summer.

Yadier: [looking over Jaime] You know what kid, I like your style. You can come with me and my friends to the party tonight, you might even get to second base.

Jaime: [staring wide eyed at Yadier] Oh for real?  Thanks mister, you won't regret this!


Cut to La Russa's house at where Colby and Ryan are pummeling the windows with eggs. La Russa comes out with a shotgun.

La Russa: Hey you dang kids! Get off my lawn!

Rasmus and Ryan run away laughing with La Russa firing into the night.


The two run all the way to the party, at Wainwright's quaint house. They arrive with the party in full swing. Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan, Ryan Franklin and Mitchell Boggs are doing keg stands. Jaime Garcia is chatting up a girl, and Adam Wainwright is soulfully reciting poetry to several of them. Carpenter is giving Nick Stavinoha a flushie upstairs. Rasmus and Ryan walk in the door and someone immediately hands them a doobie. All is right with the world.

Suddenly siren's start to infiltrate the music of the party.

Pujols: It's the pigs, everyone get outta here!!

Before anyone can leave the cops bust through the door, with La Russa right behind them. Jeff Suppan whistles quietly in the corner.

La Russa: There officers! That's the man who was egging my house [points to Ryan]. I found your hat by the bushes, you idiot. You'll get expelled for this! Now tell me who else was there with you, and I won't press charges.

Ryan glances momentarily over at Rasmus, but doesn't linger or give any other indication.

Ryan: Shove it La Russa.

La Russa: Alright, take him away [gesturing towards the cops]. And everyone else get out of here before you all get expelled!

The students all exit into the night. Some are too drunk/high to fully grasp what just happened, others are immediately devastated. But by the morning everyone wakes up feeling like crap, their summer starting on an inauspicious note with the carefree Brendan gone forever. Colby is particularity sad, and that sadness soon turns into anger. He vows to get revenge on La Russa...