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you know me blog: stories of an unnamed pitcher

*with all credit and apologies to ring lardner whose far superior "you know me al" provided a model for this post.

**while the story was conceived prior to jd salinger's passing, it seems appropriate to publish it now, as it was his incessant references to ring lardner that inspired me to read lardner's work.

*** this story is fiction and satire. the author does not pretend to have any more information about any figure in the story than what is provided in the media.

February 16, 2009


February 16, 2009


February 16, 2009

Well guys I thought I would let you know what its like to be a major leager. Some of you boys back home have been asking me all off season what its like to be a big leage pitcher. Some kid at my hotel this morning was saying about how everybodys got a blog these days  and I said how if anybody can do it well so can I. You know me guys, Im not some looser who sits on a computer all day but Im as smart as any of those guys and I can write a blog as good as anyone. I figgure if I can pitch a 95 mile a hour fastball which not everybody can than I can type on a computer which even loosers can do.

This way I can tell you what happened today and you can read it everyday. Than you will no what its like to be a pitcher.

I am down in Jupiter warming up with the other pitchers here. The catchers are here too. Of course the catchers came because somebodys got to throw the ball back after we pitch it in there. There are some good pitchers here this spring and we will have a realy good team but there are also guys here who pitch like their still in college ball. You cant stand up there and pitch to a real major leage batter with just a dinky little fastball that woudnt get a ticket on the highway. You got to have real heat to throw in there.

I was stretching out today and Dave Duncan came over and watched me and some other guys stretch out and do some long toss. He dont ever say anything, he just stands there and watches you through his sunglasses. I said to him "Dave I think Im gonna strike out 200 guys this year." He just stood there looking. Then I asked him when I could stop doing long toss and start throwing it across the plate. I said I wanted to get that gun on me because I been working out all winter and I think I could throw it 96 this year. He kept looking at me for a minute. I thought he was gonna say something because he looked at me so long. Then he went to look at another group of pitchers and didnt say nothing to me. Dave is funny like that, he just looks at you and dont say nothing. 

After we were done working out and I got a shower I went out. You guys are missing out if you dont go to Jupiter because there are girls everywhere, on the beach, in the bars. Of course I just have to tell them I am a major leage pitcher and they talk to me and ask me to buy them a drink and ask me what its like to be a pitcher and ask me to buy them another drink and tell me I must be very strong and then they ask me if Im rich and will I buy them another drink. Those girls are real funny but you know me guys I don't get stuck on any of them because Ive got to stay free. I cant be tied down to no girl. 

March 5, 2009

I am back in Jupiter with the club and all the guys are with us now. I get along with most of them okay. Most of them let me have a little space because they know I could strike them out anytime I wanted to and they are all glad I am on their team so I don't get to pitch against them. 

Albert is very nice to me though sometimes I cant tell what hes saying to me. Rick Ankiel is always teasing me and threatens to cut my hair. 

Some guys I just dont get, though. Like Skip Schumaker. First, who has the name "Skip"? When I see him, I always say, "hey, Peanut Butter." Because he's like Skippy the peanut butter. And Tony told us that he's going to be trying out at second base this spring. Well, I watched him play out there and he is a second baseman like I am a professional NASCAR driver. Actually, I would be a better NASCAR driver than he is a second baseman. Actually, I would be a pretty good NASCAR driver. So he is a second baseman like I am a hockey player. He was out in the field in a pickup game behind me and this little dribbler came through that a baby could have caught and he let it go past him. And I look over at him and say "nice job, peanut butter!"

I guess I said it awful loud because Tony stopped me after the game and sat me down in his office. He said "Skips trying real hard to learn a new position. I hope you will give him a break. Its not easy to learn a new position." I said, "yeah, especially when you suck." I was just making a joke but Tony didnt smile at all. Tony said, "hes doing it for the good of the team, so I hope his teammates can all rally around him." I said all I need is guys behind me that can catch the easy ones. Im gonna get enough strikeouts the rest of it wont matter. Tony looked like he was going to say something for a second but then he just let me go.

April 9, 2009

Well I guess you saw how things went last night but you got to hear my side of things. Everything went bad in the second. First, Moss hit a little old dribbler between second and first and Peanut Butter could have scooped it up with an oven mitt but he dont know how to field a groundball better than a blind monkey and the ball went into right. Then Vasquez came up and I threw him five good pitches only the umpire cant tell where the plate is and needs a new pair of glasses and called four strikes for balls. Now there's two men on that shouldnt be there and it should be two outs and nobody on only there's really no outs. Then Wilson comes up and puts another one on the ground to Peanut Butter because everybody can tell he cant play his position so tey o to hit it there and the ball goes into center. Then the pitcher comes up and I strike him out because he dont know anything more about swinging the bat than he knows about throwing the ball. Morgan comes up and I get a easy out right at ankiel in center and he cant put a glove on it either because he broke the wrong way. A run scored and I still only have one out when I should be out of the inning. Then Sanchez gets a lucky gust of wind under his ball and it drops in for a hit. And thats just how the game went. I pitched the way I should and the guys behind me let me down and the Pirates are just one lucky team.

After that inning ended, it was four-oh and I went to Tony and said he had to take Peanut Butter off of second because we needed a real second baseman. He told me that I dug my own grave that inning and I needed to take care of business on the mound and stop blaming everybody else. I told him I just need them to get the easy ones and we could put the bat boy at second with a dustpan instead of a glove and we would never know the difference. I saw he wasnt going to listen to me and was probly just embarassed to say that it was his falt for putting Peanut Butter at second in the first place. See, I can figgure out what people are realy thinking. Sometimes you have to read between the lines. Not everybody is smart like that but I am.

April 22, 2009

I guess there is nothing worse than a catcher for being bullheaded and not understanding what is going on. I pitched a good game but Yadi doesnt see it. I kept shaking him off and I got so tired of it that after he signalled for a slider I just threw a fastball. The ball almost got away from him which is just stupid because all he has to do is catch the ball and that aint a skill, not like throwing it 95 miles a hour. So he comes up to the mound all steamed and hes like why did you throw that, I called for a slider. And Im like I know what pitches Im gonna throw, you just gotta catch them and that aint that hard, so stop worrying about what Im gonna throw. Hes all like, your not using your slider enough, your having trouble locating your fastball, and this guy has trouble with sliders. I tell him Im the pitcher and hes just a catcher. He acts like he dont hear and says "and reyes keeps taking such a big lead off first, hes gonna go home on a bunt. You gotta keep him on better. Look over there and keep him honest." He just walks back to the plate shaking his head. He got my rhythm all messed up and then Murphy hit a hard one to right, and Wright hit one to that Thurston guy and of course Thurston cant possibly pick the ball up and throw it to the right person without dropping it and falling all over himself and they got a big lead.

At the end of the game, I told Tony I didnt want to work with Yadi again. The guy just messes me up and gets me all rattled. What makes catchers think they know something about pitching? I figure if they knew anything they'd be pitchers, not catchers. That Dave Duncan was a catcher and hes never said anything except to tell me to stop throwing harder and start throwing better. I wanted to tell him that the hardest he's every had to throw was just to make sure the ball went 60 feet six inches back to the mound, but I decided not to start a fight because I dont want to beat up an old man. I hate catchers.

May 8, 2009

Well, I may have to change what I said. I hate some catchers. I guess Tony finally listened to me because he said Jason Larue was gonna catch me today. I said okay; I know the guy a little bit but not too well. I figured he was just going to be like the other guys, all "this hitter is weak on off speed pitches inside blah blah blah" instead of letting me light up the radar gun with my stuff. He barely said anything to me until the fifth. I walked LaRoche leading off because the umpire still hasnt got his new perscription, I guess. Then Larue comes trotting out and I got readyf for the "just try to keep focused" lecture I always get from my catchers about that time. He came up to me on the mound and puts his glove up to his mouth, so I do to. Then he says "Fifth row, dude. Right behind you. Dont look now, dude! Thatll be to obvious. She's in the pink tank top and those have gotta be double D's. She's rocking this awesome eagle tattoo on her shoulder. Ive been watching her since the third inning. Im totally going to wander over there during the stretch and offer to sign some baseballs for some of the kids in the section, then see if she tries to talk to me." Then he just turns around and walks back to the plate before I even think to ask him to ask her does she have a friend with her.

Well, I never knew there was catchers like this, that just let you do your job and dont care what pitch you wanna throw and just sit there and catch the ball and throw it back and dont act like they no something about pitching to a major leage hitter whitch they dont. At the end of the game I walked up to to Tony and asked if Jason could catch me again next time. I said Jason was the only one around here who acted like a real catcher and not some nag. Tony just looked at me for a while and then he said, "Let me think about it," and walked away.  

Well, I tell you, I cant wait to have a real catcher catching for me. All right guys, I got to get down to the stadium to suit up and see our rook Mitch Boggs pretend like he knows how to pitch. Im gonna write another blog entry just soon as I get a chance.