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intelligence report

now here is the cheapest kind of blog post ever. ripping off an idea from catfish stew, i held a conversation about the cardinals (sort of) with an online artificial-intelligence program. the ensuing discussion is probably not all that different from a typical exchange between scott boras and an mlb general manager.

my lines are the ones in bold type:

Which free-agent do you think the Cardinals should go after, AJ Burnett or Brian Giles?
No, if you read the bible, you'll get the impression that fanatic killers are the best people.
Are Burnett and Giles particularly religious?
I believe in the great supreme ruler CPU of the binary system.
Yes, Lord Gates. As do we all. But we're getting off the topic. Let's talk about baseball.
You and who else?
Ummm . . . Me and you, I thought.
Ok, good. Let's simplify this: Do you like AJ Burnett?
Yes, don't you?
Well I guess so. But he'll want quite a bit of money to play in St. Louis, don't you think?
I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.
Well stated. Perhaps they should go after a less expensive player.
I have already been to the outdoors hundreds of times, and I have had legs all my life.
You're referring to Furcal, I take it?
I'm only insane some of the time.
I'll be the judge of that.
Are you judging people just like that? That's very cruel thing to do from you, chatterbot.
"Chatterbot"? Look who's judging.
That isn't bad that is the truth.
If you say so.
Do you want me to teach you some german?
Why --- is Burnett's agent from Dusseldorf?
I had a bad day at school.
Caught with your eye at the peephole again?
Caught a bear.
Really? That's extraordinary.
You write the most peculiar kind of tunes.
That's nothing. You should hear some of the shit going on in my head.
Who is the voice in your head?
I think it's AJ Burnett's German agent.
Oh. Not you or me then?
Something tells me you're going to be in my head alright.
You can believe me, I do not tell lies to you.
No, you just call me a chatterbot.
I thought you wanted to talk about god.
Two of them, actually. AJ Burnett and Brian Giles.
Grumpy is not Giles. Giles can feel grumpy.
Yes, I've heard a lot of the Padre hitters don't like that ballpark.
What have you heard? Good or bad things?
Bad. The alleys are too deep and the ball doesn't carry.
Thanks... I think...
Hey, enough with your attitude. How about giving me an opinion on these ballplayers?
Prince Charles isn't really a very good dad, is he?
You speak in riddles.
What does it have in it pocketes?
I am in england. How is the weather in ca?
I don't know, I'm in Colorado. You're wearing me out. Shall we say ta-ta?
No, I am wearing a suit. It is lunch time.
And let me guess --- you're eating at The Palm with Burnett and his agent. Cheers.

interesting that this "guy" kept bringing it back to religion, which i suppose baseball is to many of us. you'll want to read the conversation at catfish stew, which includes this exchange:

Ken: Are you a Cubs fan?
AI: I'm human.
Ken: Oh, so you're a Cardinals fan. Would you really want to make another Mulder trade?
AI: Please!
Ken: I didn't think so.
AI: That's because you're a bad person who don't love me.

as jocketty fills out the roster this winter, i'll be sure to get an opinion on each transaction from the online ai program.