"Oh gosh, Why Am I Here?" The Running Thoughts of Ty Wigginton, April 1

Oh gosh, Mr. Matheny, please don't pick me.

Crap, he's looking at me. I think he wants me to bat. Please, please. Anyone else. Just don't ask me to hit.

Why am I even here?

I should be playing in some sort of old man softball league. But no, Mr. Mozeliak called up my agent and offered me $5 million. I had to take it! I mean, I can't hit, I can't really field and it's a complete shock that I've lasted this long, but how could I pass up $5 million?! With $5 million I can buy all sorts of cheeseburgers! Oh man I love cheeseburgers. During a rain delay in Atlanta catering provided a bunch of these gourmet cheeseburgers. Do you know how awesome it is to combine gruyere cheese with truffled mushrooms and kobe beef on an artisanal bun? Mother of god. I think I had four of those things! Luckily I wasn't in the lineup because my tummy was pretty upset. I don't really "get" French food. Isn't that what truffled mushrooms are? I saw it on "Food Network" once. I don't really like French things. The Eiffel Tower makes me nervous, but I love those cheeseburgers.

Shoot, he's eyeing me. Why is he looking at me? Maybe he's thirsty? I should move away from the water cooler, that way I won't suspect that he wants me to bat. Just calm down, Ty.

This guy...this Kennedy guy. He's throwing smoke. There's no way I could get a hit off of him. Just look at Yadi...he looks lost and he's a .300 hitter! I could never be a .300 hitter. Shoot, at this point I'll be lucky to hit .230. I hit .140 during spring training. I thought they would realize I can't really hit anymore and just send me packing with my $5 million, but they are seriously confused. They honestly think I can be a good pinch-hitter. It's a nice feeling, knowing that there's somebody out there who believes in you, but oh gosh it's so frightening.

Joe Kelly!

That's it! I'll just tell Mr. Matheny that Joe Kelly would be a better option. He can run faster than me and I think he could sneak a bunt. Shoot I can't bunt. And I sure as heck can't run as fast as Joey. I wonder if I could use the bullpen phone to call him? Maybe I'll just text him and be like "hey can u tell MM that u will bat 4 me? not feeling well lol."

Phew, Kennedy is out of the game. Wait, why is Mr. Matheny telling me to grab a helmet? Do I even have that with me? I can't remember. I didn't bring my glove...I hope they won't notice.

Crud. He just told me I'm pinch-hitting. Now I have to go out there and embarrass myself in front of everyone and they're all going to laugh at me and think I'm a joke. This is just like that kickball game in third grade when Cory Steuber rolled a slow one and I missed it and bruised my tailbone because I fell down so hard.

Wait...why am I batting against David Hernandez? He throws right-handed! I bat right-handed! I heard once that this is an advantage for the pitcher. Does Mr. Matheny know I bat right-handed? I don't think he does. I think I should tell him.

No, I can't do that. I have to go up there and try my hardest. That's what grandma always said. OK, Ty, time to show the Best Fans in Baseball © what you're all about!

*grounds out*

Boy he sure got me. I didn't stand a chance. He was throwing so hard and I didn't even have time to react. I'm just happy I made contact. I bet Mr. Matheny is pleased. That should be enough to get a postgame cheeseburger or two.


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