Oh gosh, Mr. Matheny, please don't pick me.
Crap, he's looking at me. I think he wants me to bat. Please, please. Anyone else. Just don't ask me to hit.
Why am I even here?
I should be playing in some sort of old man softball league. But no, Mr. Mozeliak called up my agent and offered me $5 million. I had to take it! I mean, I can't hit, I can't really field and it's a complete shock that I've lasted this long, but how could I pass up $5 million?! With $5 million I can buy all sorts of cheeseburgers! Oh man I love cheeseburgers. During a rain delay in Atlanta catering provided a bunch of these gourmet cheeseburgers. Do you know how awesome it is to combine gruyere cheese with truffled mushrooms and kobe beef on an artisanal bun? Mother of god. I think I had four of those things! Luckily I wasn't in the lineup because my tummy was pretty upset. I don't really "get" French food. Isn't that what truffled mushrooms are? I saw it on "Food Network" once. I don't really like French things. The Eiffel Tower makes me nervous, but I love those cheeseburgers.
Shoot, he's eyeing me. Why is he looking at me? Maybe he's thirsty? I should move away from the water cooler, that way I won't suspect that he wants me to bat. Just calm down, Ty.
This guy...this Kennedy guy. He's throwing smoke. There's no way I could get a hit off of him. Just look at Yadi...he looks lost and he's a .300 hitter! I could never be a .300 hitter. Shoot, at this point I'll be lucky to hit .230. I hit .140 during spring training. I thought they would realize I can't really hit anymore and just send me packing with my $5 million, but they are seriously confused. They honestly think I can be a good pinch-hitter. It's a nice feeling, knowing that there's somebody out there who believes in you, but oh gosh it's so frightening.
That's it! I'll just tell Mr. Matheny that Joe Kelly would be a better option. He can run faster than me and I think he could sneak a bunt. Shoot I can't bunt. And I sure as heck can't run as fast as Joey. I wonder if I could use the bullpen phone to call him? Maybe I'll just text him and be like "hey can u tell MM that u will bat 4 me? not feeling well lol."
Phew, Kennedy is out of the game. Wait, why is Mr. Matheny telling me to grab a helmet? Do I even have that with me? I can't remember. I didn't bring my glove...I hope they won't notice.
Crud. He just told me I'm pinch-hitting. Now I have to go out there and embarrass myself in front of everyone and they're all going to laugh at me and think I'm a joke. This is just like that kickball game in third grade when Cory Steuber rolled a slow one and I missed it and bruised my tailbone because I fell down so hard.
Wait...why am I batting against David Hernandez? He throws right-handed! I bat right-handed! I heard once that this is an advantage for the pitcher. Does Mr. Matheny know I bat right-handed? I don't think he does. I think I should tell him.
No, I can't do that. I have to go up there and try my hardest. That's what grandma always said. OK, Ty, time to show the Best Fans in Baseball © what you're all about!
Boy he sure got me. I didn't stand a chance. He was throwing so hard and I didn't even have time to react. I'm just happy I made contact. I bet Mr. Matheny is pleased. That should be enough to get a postgame cheeseburger or two.