Jake Roth-US PRESSWIRE
how to make the classics from the 2012 cardinals season at home this holiday.
everybody loves the holidays in Cardinal Nation, although not everybody loves the Hollidays, which is a different story.
so, i'm here to provide you with instructions on how to make at home the classic concoctions you saw the cardinals making all season long.
second base party mix
3 cups of descalso-resignation chips
2 small samples of schumaker BABIP-luck crackers
8 oz. (1 stick) butter
10 oz. day-old tyler greene crumbs
1 tablespoon ryan jackson powder
dash of essence of matt carpenter to taste
melt your descalso resignation chips in a double boiler with the butter (this dish would be vastly improved by using authentic 95% cano chips but, face it, that's out of your price range). if you don't know what a double boiler is, don't have one, or your eyes have already started glazing over when the word "double boiler" appeared, try combining them in a large, microwave-safe bowl, and putting them in the microwave for 2 minutes on HIGH. stir until the chips and the butter are fully melted and combined.
put the skip schumaker BABIP-luck crackers in a large serving bowl and slowly drizzle the descalso resignation chip-butter mixture over the crackers. stir with a large spoon until the crackers are fully coated.
now get your day-old tyler greene crumbs. while the crumbs may be a little past the point when you can expect much of anything from them, the tyler greene crumbs will make the mix semi-palatable to any left-handed party guests who might attend. throw half the package in the mix, place the other half in a sturdy container, affix postage, and mail the remainder to houston.
ryan jackson powder is more commonly seen as an spice in barbecue, such as memphis shortstop rub, but it will add a sutble flavor to the second base mix. purists would NEVER add essence of matt carpenter to the second base mix, but we're going a little off-the-beaten-path with this recipe. top with the matt carpenter essence and serve to your party guests. you may wish to serve the second base mix with copious amounts of bourbon, because sometimes this appetizer goes down poorly.
each cook will throw a little something different into the second base mix. want to shake it up? put the second base mix in a blender with 4 oz. of simple allen craig syrup and 4 large eggs. bake in a 9" x 13" for 30 minutes at 350 degrees to try a delicate, challenging custard. if it works, it's delicious.
magic rookie souffle
6 large eggs
1 teaspoon cream of kozma
5 innings of barret browning
2 cups shane sugar
preheat oven to 375 degrees. separate the egg whites from the egg yolks. reserve egg yolks in a small bowl.
in a large, cold mixing bowl, combine egg whites and cream of kozma. using an electric mixer, beat the kozma-whites for roughly 2 minutes until the slugging percentage forms stiff peaks.
after the kozma whites reach the appropriate peaks, fold in the yolks and EXACTLY five innings of barret browning. if you add any more than 5 innings, the whole thing will collapse. slowly fold in the shane sugar in small samples of 1/4 to 1/3 of a cup.
pour the mixture carefully into a greased 8" round pan. place in the oven for 20 minutes or 200 PAs. watch the souffle rise hopefully through the oven window. now, open the oven and serve immediately before the whole thing collap . . . too late.
chris carpenter green bean casserole
1 lb. green beans
put the green beans in a large casserole pan, a small baking dish, a metal bowl, or something else that probably won't catch fire while in the oven. oh yeah, you probably should have preheated the oven too. i don't give a #@$%. now you just have to wait, jerk.
put the other stuff in with the green beans. maybe you should wash the green beans, unless they're organic or some crap. you probably should have washed them before you mixed them in with the other stuff; you needed me to tell you that? what, am i your mother? dumb%$.
leave it in the oven for 15 minutes, or maybe 45 minutes. go play hockey with your boys on the pond in the backyard. come back and see if the green beans burned while your were playing hockey. if they didn't, eat them. if they're burned, i don't know, microwave a &$#$ing hot pocket and eat it while you watch the football game or some #@*&. i don't &!@#ing care.
matheny guy-on-first-less-than-two-outs-bunt cake
3 cups all-purpose flour
8 oz. (one stick) butter
1 tablespoon jon jay powder
8 oz. molina sugar
1/2 teaspoon essence of matt carpenter
grease a bundt cake pan. combine all the ingredients above and bake in the oven. make this dish all the time, with all the ingredients listed above, regardless of the circumstances. keep making the dish at every opportunity until everyone is sick to death of eating it. if people tell you they'd like a slice of swing-away pie instead, tell them to shut up.
berkman cranberry sauce
we went to the store and they were all out. this item may only be available in american league supermarkets in the future.
we're thinking about trying the matt adams pear-port sauce next year, but who knows if that will turn out?
holliday beltran middle-of-the-order stuffing
1 package beltran bread crumbs
1 pound fresh holliday stalks
2 cups freese stock
1 teaspoon salt
1 large onion
preheat the oven to 325 degrees.
pour half the beltran crumbs into a large bowl. try to only put the first half of the package in, because all the bad stuff settles to the bottom of the package. chop the holliday stalks, discarding the clutch portions. if you screw up in separating beltran's good half from his bad half, and you don't separate out the clutch parts of the holliday stalks, your guests will complain endlessly, even though the whole dish will still taste pretty good.
chop the onion and add the chopped onion and holliday stalks to the beltran crumbs. pour the freese stock through cheesecloth (to remove any bad-ankle particles) over the whole mixture. add the salt and stir until fully blended.
pour the mixture into a greased 9"x13" pan. bake for 30 minutes. serves approximately 260 runs.