Much Ado About Miami

Sarah Glenn

Taking a look at the franchise everyone in baseball loves to hate right now.

You know, we don't really talk about other teams a whole lot here at Viva El Birdos. I mean, we do sort of discuss other teams from time to time, but it's generally in the context of how said team relates to our own beloved boys in red. Previewing an upcoming series with Team X as an opponent. Raiding the talent reserves of some AL cellar dweller to bolster the Redbirds' playoff chances. Safely selfish concerns, each cavalierly denying Copernicus all day long, placing the Cardinals squarely at the center of the universe.

I'm sure everyone has heard by now about the mega-deal that went down yesterday, with the Miami Marlins sending half of their team (the half that cost, you know, money), to the Toronto Blue Jays in exchange for several prospects and one homophobe.

It's...well, it's ugly. The trade is exactly the sort of thing the Marlins do; a firesale less than a year after buying all their shiny new toys. Ken Lay put together less upsetting deals than this. This deal basically confirms all the wost fears of everyone about the new Marlins, same as the old Marlins. The fallout has been immediate and intense, with plenty of hyperbolic types screaming from the mountaintops about how Miami has disgraced the game of baseball.

The worst thing is, for once I pretty much completely agree with all the hyperbole. It's a really bad situation all around.

Now, here's my question for you this afternoon: say the new commissioner of baseball, a dashingly handsome young(ish) man named, um, Aaron, maybe, calls you into his office. After marveling for a moment or two at how he manages to stuff his enormous genitals into such well-cut slacks, you are abruptly called back to reality by Commissioner Aaron clearing his throat.

"So, random message board poster," this Adonis among men says to you, "I've decided we have to do something about the Miami Marlins. Pretty much any option you like is on the table, short of tactical nuking of Dade County. (We totally have that capability, though, just in case you were wondering.) Contraction -- though we still need an even number of teams one way or another -- moving the team, North Korea-style sanctions (I have to admit, the idea of Jeffrey Loria's mug plastered on those big Communist dictator banners all over the Marlins' new ballpark is very amusing to me), or just doing nothing and admiring the sheer balls of a team taking all that public funding, then buying all those players, making all those promises, and then the very next November selling it all off. Whatever you decide should be done is what I'll do."

What is your answer?

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