He Would Destroy Us All

And I saw when John Mozeliak opened one of the seven seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four veteran relievers saying, Come and see.

And I saw, and behold Chris Perez: and he had an awesome slider; and a fastball was given to him, that was so fast as to worry people, because surely he would throw it more slowly eventually, and then what would he have, except the awesome slider?

And Chris Perez threw the awesome slider and the fastball that was too fast, and he was traded to the Cleveland Indians for a utility infielder, but a good one, at least.

And when he opened the second seal, I heard one of the four veteran relievers saying, This one does not scare me as much. And there went out another reliever named Jason Motte: and power was given to him to strike out every batter in the Pacific Coast League, and make them swing at one-another; and he was given a great fastball, and nothing else. 

And when he opened the third seal, I heard the third veteran reliever say, Weren't you more boring when you were a starter? Can't you try that again? And there went out Mitchell Boggs; and his fastball was faster now, and his slider did more sliding, although the more I got a chance to look at him the less terrified I became. 

And I heard a voice in the midst of the veteran relievers say, Maybe you should stop relying on all these rookies and give one of us a try. I'm growing my beard back. 

And when Mozeliak opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the last veteran reliever say, I'm available for personal appearances and mentoring, and I've written a very thrilling novel, besides.

And I looked, and behold a skinny reliever: and his name was Eduardo Sanchez, and the name of his slider was Death, and a pretty excellent fastball followed with him. And power was given to him over every Cardinals fan on the internet, to retire batters with the slider, and the fastball. 

And when he opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the soul of some jerk, and his testimony which went, just about—


Sup, nerds!! Long time no smell!! It's me, the Ghost of Chris Lambert! Licensed revelator and former first round pick! And I live under that altar!! Because of some bad first-round-pick-related decisions!!

And he cried out with an obnoxious voice, saying, How Long, O Webmaster, stuffy and boring, were you planning on doing this whole King James thing!? LOL. All of these relievers are just going to suck in four years anyway. 

And the webmaster said, Come on, man, it's a bit, just go with it. And twenty bucks was given to him; and it was said to him, that he should go to a movie or something, instead of downloading another fake camrip of Thor, and leave the webmaster alone. 

And Chris Lamber said, LOL Whatever dude I have Netflix Instant. But you need to stop geeking out over these relievers, "Lest Thou Be-est Super Bummed When They Stoppeth Pitching Well." I know the guy behind the sixth seal, and he's seen better days. But just open it, or whatever, see if I careth. My torrent's almost done. 

And I beheld when John Mozeliak opened the sixth seal, and lo, there was kind of an earthquake, or at least a breeze; and the sun became obscured behind a tree for a second, and the moon was kind of a light red; and the stars of heaven weren't really visible, because of the sun, even as a fig tree isn't really visible when it's too bright out. 

And the managers of the National League, and the great hitters, and the rich hitters, and the team captains, and the mighty sluggers, and Barry Bonds, and every free agent, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains; and said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth in the bullpen, and from the wrath of this reliever.

For the great day of his wrath is come; and who shall be able to reach base?

And Chris Lambert said, JK it's JESS TODD the DESTROYER again, who you were all crushin-on way back when.

And the webmaster said, He's a great depth signing! And familiar, too! He puts up excellent minor league numbers all the way to AAA, he's available totally free, and the Cardinals have pitchers they're literally too afraid to use in low-leverage situations in the back of the bullpen (and the veteran reliever said, Hey, watch it, I'm over here) and I'm not supposed to be excited about it?

And Chris Lambert said, Yeah, but really you're just excited to start saying "He Will Destroy Us All" with your nerd friends again, while ol' Chris has to live underneath an altar, where there isn't even anybody he can mooch wireless off of, except Mike Sillman, whose password I still can't guess. 

And the webmaster said, That's probably right. There isn't a lot separating Jess Todd from a hundred other Colter Bean types out there, but he could be a useful middle reliever and he comes with the added bonus, for Future Redbirds fans, of reminding us how much fun it was to watch Jess Todd hurtle through the system. Win-win, even if Ryan Franklin weren't—uh—

And Chris Lambert said, God, this is like the part of Scrubs where JD learns a lesson instead of making out with Sarah Chalke. You're like season six of Scrubs, over here. 

And the webmaster said, Is he out of earshot? Frankie? 

And Chris Lambert said, Who am I, eyes?

And the webmaster said, Even if Ryan Franklin weren't, you know. 


I don't think there's been a day so pleasant to Cardinals fans and so irrelevant to the Cardinals' 2011 prospects since Jim Edmonds announced he was mounting a comeback. Jess Todd is a useful pick-up, but his usefulness is outstripped by the fun of following Jess Todd again. I don't think that's a bad thing. 

Same for Albert Pujols's completely uneventful return to third base. Announcing Pujols's positional flexibility might yet offer some real benefit to a team that has David Freese's extended absence to deal with, but the Cardinals and Pujols are predictably cagey about how frequently they plan to exercise the option. With Lance Berkman in the outfield and the third base pickings comprised of a number of interchangeable utility infielders, now is as good a time as ever to experiment. 

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