Adam Wainwright And The 17 Stages Of Grief

1. Denial. "This can't be happening, not to Adam Wainwright. Adam Wainwright is country-strong. He's thrown 463 innings over the last two years, and those two years are almost identical! He's thrown 200 innings three years out of the last four and he's out of the injury nexus!" 

2. Anger. "I am a hurricane of Adam Wainwright-related retribution. I'm here to chew bubblegum and yell at Jonny Gomes, and he's chewing all the bubblegum. I just made it rain in Jupiter by thinking about Adam Wainwright's right elbow. If Brandon Phillips so much as wishes him good luck I will hold Miguel Cairo for ransom until Walt Jocketty trades him back to the Indians. All of a sudden whenever I concentrate on Kyle Lohse there's this ball of pure hate energy I can create in the palm of my hand, and I'm afraid of my own power now, but I'll use it on you, I really will." 

3. Bargaining. "I will teach you the arcane and terrifying secrets of hate-balls if you can do something about Adam Wainwright's right elbow. I don't care if Albert Pujols signs, just do something about this."

3.5 Re-Negotiating. "Actually, I need Albert Pujols to sign, too, and do something about his elbow, if you could."

4. Depression. "Lately I've been thinking a lot about the 2007 Cardinals."

5. Acceptance. 

6. Pedro Feliz. "God, Pedro Feliz was terrible. Do you remember that? When the Cardinals' options at third base were so slim that they had to ask after a guy whose career OBP of .288? Sometimes when I see him swing it's like he's afraid of the ball, but he doesn't want to let everybody else see it, but it's just making it worse because we can all see it anyway. Do you remember that time when he hit .326 in his first 10 games with the Cardinals, and then finished the season 11 for his last 77, with no extra-base hits? He was awful. Like, even Adam Wainwright hit—he hit—I—"

7. iTunes Playlist Cries For Help. 

The Hold Steady — Lord, I'm Discouraged

Weezer — Why Bother?

The Rentals — Say Goodbye Forever

Kanye West — Oh, God, he's singing and this is all so sad I mean—

Beastie Boys — Brass Monkey 

Beastie Boys — Brass Monkey 

Beastie Boys — Brass Monkey 

Beastie Boys — Brass Monkey 

Kelly Clarkson — My Life Would Suck Without Adam Wainwright

8. Memes. "Maybe things will be better if we call Lance Lynn 'Sir Lance-a-Not' whenever he allows a home run. Or we could make L.A.N.C.E. into a recursive acronym, like, 'Lance: Adam Needs Cartilage from your Elbow.'" 

9. Acting Out. "My new fanpost looks at swing mechanics along a politico-religious spectrum, taking special care to note changes in the construction of a pitcher's identity since I bought a house with a lawn.......................... Michael Young is a perfect fit for this team for these reasons and also because he takes steroids and hates the Beatles, the worst band in the history of bands. LENGTH LIMIT LENGTH LIMIT LENGTH LIMIT LENGTH LIMIT"

10. Parochial Infighting. "You're using bWAR to tell me the Cardinals will struggle with Wainwright gone, even though you know about its focus on 'value' instead of true talent? What an ass!" 

11. Defensive Fandom Reversion. "I haven't seen a fanbase this crushed since I was on Portkey the day after Half Blood Prince came out!" 

12. Defensive Fandom Bargaining. "I'm willing to cover 1-15 Rams seasons for the rest of my natural life if Adam Wainwright wins 20 games this year!" 

13. Defensive Fandom Depression. "What's the point of reading Deathly Hallows? The epilogue's just going to be there right afterward! Maybe 17 years later Wainwright's elbow will have healed sufficiently for him to have a Jamie Moyer-style second career..."

13.5 Jamie Moyer Realization. "Jamie Moyer is 19 years older than Adam Wainwright."

14. One-Act Play. 

HOLLIDAY: Okay, but I still don't get it. 

LOHSE: It's an attempt to justify the GOB's intrinsic nature of omni-benevolence, omniscience, and omnipotence, despite the existence of elbow injuries which would otherwise stand to refute the GOB's existence. Wikipedia, man, try it sometime.

RASMUS: ...

RASMUS: ... The IP that uploaded "TJ-odicy" only has one other edit

LOHSE: Shut ittttt....

RASMUS: and it's to say you're dating Debbie Gibson.

LOHSE: Shut up.

RASMUS: ...

RASMUS: ... I'm an Admin, you know.  

15. Grittiness. "The Cardinals will get around this Wainwright injury because Kyle McClellan is willing to do whatever it takes; because Lance Lynn is just a sinker away from being a great pitcher; because Ian Snell just needs a taste of Midwest Nice. There's no Wainwright in team." 

16. Terror. "Ian Snell is just a motocross accident away from starting for a team ostensibly in playoff contention."

17. Wainwright Mancrush or Lady-Mancrush Resignedness. "Adam Wainwright is an awesome pitcher, a surprisingly good hitter, and an excellent interview. Please come back soon; my shersey is too young to be a throwback." 

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