The problem with Cuddyer, Beltran, and the Rockies

Maybe it's just the lack of Albert Pujols that makes me frantic about finding a free agent bat. While there are guys like Cuddyer, and Willingham (Not officially signed yet while I am posting this), Carlos Beltran intrigues me most. Even though he's heading into his age 35 season, I think he could have a good couple of years in St, Louis, and why not? Well, I'll tell you.

Here's how I see this playing out:


Twins get Willingham, The Rockies need an outfielder, so they sign whoever accepts their off first. Unfortunately, Beltran and Cuddyer say yes at the same time. The Rockies front office then determines that a fight to the death must take place. Carlos insists that Cuddyer can have the job, meanwhile Cuddyer runs several hundred miles to find Beltran (using Beltran GPS of course), during this time, Beltran wishes the Rockies well and calls the Cardinals up to accept their offer. Unfortunately, As soon as John Mozeliak picks ups the phone

"Cardinals, hardest working, hardest luck team in the offseason, how may I help you?"

"Hi, this is Carlos......*silence*"

""Bill! hurry! Carlos is on line 1"

"This is Bill DeWitt, how are you Carlos?"

*silence*

Meanwhile, Cuddyer is carrying Beltran's unconscious body into his trunk

"Carlos, this is Big Mo again... You there big guy?" He glances at DeWitt and shrugs

"Let me talk to him" says Mr. DeWitt.

"Carlos, I know that the Twins have signed Willingham, so it's down to us and the Rockies vying for your services. We have a very generous offer we've been talking to your douchebag Agent about. How would you like to become a Cardinals legend? We'll even let you wear #5."

*silence still*

Mo takes the phone, "Mr. Beltran, I'm sure we can figure something out. I'm not going to lie, we're desperate for a big bat to show the Brewers who's boss. It would really mean a lot if we could sign you... um kay?"

Meanwhile, somewhere in the Mohave desert, Cuddyer is frantically digging a hole. Beltran woozily comes to his senses.

"Michael, where are we? why does my head hurt so bad? why are you digging?"

"Good morning Carlos, why don't you come see what I've dug up over here."

"If this is about the Rockies offer, you can take the job, I've found a different offer elsewhere..."

"Just come take a look in the hole, buddy"

"well alright... wow my head hurts"

*shots ring out*

"Carlos, are you there? John, I think it was one of those damn prank callers again..."

"Let me see the phone..... Listen whoever this is, you are a piece of ****. we've been through so much. You should at least have the decency to prank call the Angels or Red Sox. you ****"

Dan Lazono happens to walk into Carlos's home uninvited.

"Yo Carlos, we can get top dollar from the Rangers!" As he's walking down the hall he notices the trail of Carlos's blood. He hears noise coming out of the phone on the ground. Curious he picks it up.

"Is this Scott Boras getting back at me for stealing Beltran?"

"Who is this? you piece of ****? What have you done with Carlos?"

"I recognize that voice, Bill DeWitt?"

"No, Santa Clause you stupidbastard. Yes Bill DeWitt. What the **** happened to Carlos?"

"I don't know there's blood everywhere. I was just giving him the news that the Rangers offered $45MM/3 years..."

Mo jumps in "WHAT! You sonuv*****! You told me it was down to the Rockies and us! What the ****? Isn't it enough that you stole our franchise's greatest player since Willie ****in MaGee?????"

"You mad bro?"

"Of course I'm ****ing mad!"

"You weren't committed enough. Sorry you're cheap"

Bill takes the phone "listen mother ****er, you'd better have Carlos in a Cardinals uniform or I'm gonna ****ing kill you myself!"

"Carlos isn't here, there's just a trail of blood."

"lol wut"

Meanwhile, Cuddyer is putting on his Rockies uniform at a press conference. "You know some people have to kill to be in the position I'm in right now....."

The End.