an international incident

"touch my nose with index fingers on both hands at once, officer? sure. . . . . wait, let me try that again."

well, if there is a good palate cleanser to two dispiriting walk-off losses and another plain old loss, it must be crushing bud norris and his fellow astro-men 8-0. 

then again, insofar as the wainwright game was a fine cabernet to follow wilted salad, moldy potatoes, and stringy and slightly rancid beef, today's game with jeff suppan may end up being  the freezer-burnt ice cream that leaves you walking home, saying you will never go back to that restaurant. 

i will say i can stomach close losses to good teams better than sweeps by awful teams. it was very therapeutic to see the cardinals demolish a not-very-good pitcher who has given them such trouble in the past.

our resident robot has a very nice rundown of the relief pitching prospects available in the system over at future redbirds. i agree with his basic premise -- salas and sanchez both seem like plausible major league relievers, with reifer showing potential, and an group of longshots trailing behind. still, it's good to know a year after spending right-handed relievers like the proverbial drunken sailor, the club has largely recovered from its largesse in that department, though watching gregerson's progress still burns a bit. 

elsewhere around the league, a first-of-its-kind trade sent cy young winner cliff lee to the sebastopol sturgeons, a largely unknown russian amateur team, with three female russian spies described as "extremely hot" by scouts going to seattle in exchange yesterday.

in a sad coda to the revolutionary trade, jack zduriencik's nude body was found in a seattle hotel's hot tub this morning. police reported that he was found apparently strangled, yet an enormous and disconcerting smile remained on his face. mariners officials reported that the plans to a top-secret defensive analysis system developed by tom tango appeared to have gone missing overnight, and the three women were nowhere to be found.

a CIA analyst, speaking on a condition of confidentiality, suggested that the entire event may have come about as a result of the coincidental similarity between the english word "sabermetrics" and the russian term for "ballistic missle." "somewhere, an FSB analyst is extremely confused, extremely annoyed, or both," said the source.

 

baseball commissioner bud selig stated that early evidence indicated that the three women returned to Vladivostok early this morning traveling under false passports. he indicated that he would lodge a protest with the russian baseball agency as soon as he figured out if there was one. he stated the international incident would not negatively impact the proposed development of the Crimean Winter League

dave cameron, fangraphs contributor, called the trade "one of Jack Z's best" and stated that the three women would be the final piece the mariners needed to solidify their absolute domination of the AL west for years to come, assuming that their whereabouts could be discovered and that they could be made to play baseball in the united states.

cliff lee was able to contact his agent by phone from sebastopol and indicated that he had been repeatedly questioned as to whether the "ultimate zone ratings" utilized microwave- or radar-frequency emissions. he further requested clarification as to what exactly borscht was. 

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