Recently we at SB Nation St. Louis World Headquarters learned that other teams would listen if John Mozeliak called about Colby Rasmus. I wasn't prepared for the response: as soon as I posted that story the unnamed source phonelines began lighting up, and they haven't stopped since. Now, I could stretch these out through the entire offseason, and given the paucity of news in January I probably should. But as a public service I am prepared, like Gob Bluth, to unload everything now. Every insight must go. It's time for St. Louis Cardinals Newsbreakers... live!
A VEB Exclusive. It's true—the Cardinals are telling us they want to sign him, but if they don't, other teams will want to sign Albert Pujols, who disappointed all of us last season by leading the National League in runs, home runs, and RBI.
Other teams, mostly teams with bad first basemen, will be prepared to put together extremely remunerative financial packages for the privilege. Some will guarantee his salary several years in advance at a rate that will cause your uncle to wonder aloud why we pay those guys so much and teachers so little, it's the problem with America, really. I'm told the Atlanta Braves, Arizona Diamondbacks, and Toronto Blue Jays have some interest in doing just that, although in the last case your uncle will have to be Canadian.
The Cardinals will have ample opportunity this season to not resign Albert Pujols.
If the Cardinals don't retain Tony La Russa, they will have to find a new manager.
It's a fact: baseball teams have managers. Toronto, Atlanta, Arizona—all teams managed by a guy who wears a baseball uniform but doesn't actually play baseball. Without Tony La Russa the Cardinals will have to find another guy to wear the uniform.
In a related story, Cardinals bloggers everywhere will get really interested in any story about Joe Maddon and Tampa Bay becoming estranged, or Tampa Bay being relegated to the Mexican League, or deciding to go without a manager, because Cardinals bloggers secretly like to have distinctive, quirkily intelligent managers who will invariably disappoint them by behaving like baseball managers.
Other teams would like to acquire Colby Rasmus.
Toronto, Atlanta, and—what? Okay, I got scooped on this one. Moving on—Viva El Birdos fans would be wise to click the jump round midnight. No, this midnight.
The Cardinals will trade their way to a better infield, if anybody's into it.
They'll look north as far as Canada, west as far as the Grand Canyon, south as far as the World of Coca-Cola Museum. They'll leave no stone unturned, if the stones agree to be turned. If the Phillies decide they don't want Chase Utley anymore, the Cardinals will be among the first teams to say, hey, we want Chase Utley.
Corollary: If nobody's into it, the Cardinals won't do it.
They might get really into Jose Lopez for a while.
If Major League Baseball allows the Cincinnati Reds to reenter the playoffs as a secret Wild Card team, but they have to eat, like, worms, do you think they'd do it? I think they'd do it.
If they did it, they'd be in a pretty good position to advance in the playoffs. Other teams will be, like, "The Reds? I thought you guys were eliminated, like Arizona, or Toronto," and in the course of double-taking their first starter will get the timing wrong on his parry, leaving Johnny Cueto free to execute the hurricane kick.
They have a pretty good team, too, good enough to win the World Series if they get another shot at it. So if Bud Selig offers this opportunity, you heard it here, first—expect them to take it.
If the Cardinals were to hold a lottery where, like, everybody gets a ticket, and you think, wow, I'd like to win a lottery, but then the woman who wins is kind of pissed, and then OH GOD the lottery is actually to kill the winner, because it's some kind of ritual, people's minds would be so blown.
Similar lotteries could be held in Phoenix, and Toronto, and Atlanta.