I submit for your enjoyment: A Play

ACT I

Interior of well-lit executive office.  A large oak desk is in middle of room.  At the desk sits JOHN, our story’s hero.

JOHN:

on phone Well that’s fine, Theo.  I’m glad we were able to work this out, then.  Uh huh, I’ll make all the calls on my

end, you just make sure you get him on a plane to St. Louis and I’ll see that you get your slugger soon enough.  Uh

huh.  You too, Theo.  So long.

hangs up receiver; pauses a beat; picks up receiver, dials

on phone Hello, Chris?  Chris, are you there?

Chris? This is John.  John Mozeliak?  Yeah, Bossman John. 

laughs

 Listen, Chris.  I’ve got some pretty big - Chris?  Could you do me a favor?  Could you turn the music down please.  I’m having trouble hearing what you’re say – is that Master P?

laughs

Yes, you’re a No Limit Souljah, no doubt.

laughs

Uh huh, ok Chris – yes, Chris I heard you.  No Limit.  

Now can I tell you something?  Well, I’ll tell you.  I’ve got some pretty big news, Chris.  You’ve been traded.

Yes, that’s right.  You’ve been traded.  

Boston.

Uh huh.

Well, that was the idea.  Yes.  Fresh start all around.

Coming the other way?  Julio Lugo.  No no.  HOO-li-o.  No, not Coolio.  Although you’re right.  That would be pretty sweet.

Yes, he’s a shortstop.  

Well, it’s just a straight-up one-for-one.  We thought you could use a new place to work on your game and I think Theo and his people were thinking the same about Lugo.

Well, I’m glad you’re taking it so well.  Uh huh.  Yes, that’s fine.  No, it’s official as of now.  Yes…yes…y – yes, go ahead and call your family.  Just call your dad last – yes, last please.  He doesn’t know yet and I’d like him to hear it from me.

Alright Chris, well it was a pleasure talking to you.  I’ll call you again before this is all over, but I want to wish you – yes, yes I know – I want to wish you the best in Boston and wherever else your career may take you.

Uh huh.  

Chris, I’m not going to say that.  That’s ridic – 

sighs

Alright.  Nuh na nuh NA.  Happy?

Mmbye-bye.

hangs up receiver; pauses a beat; sighs audibly

Ho boy.

picks up receiver, dials

Hello?  Hello, Tony?  Listen, I’ve got something I need to share with you.  Is this a bad time?

Where are you right now?  

Spa?  Oh.

Mani, pedi, full body?  Well, that sounds ni- 

Dave’s there too?  Oh, that’s good.  I need to speak with him too – Tony, could you have them turn down the mood music?  I’m having trouble hearing you over the vibraphone.

Yes, fine.  I can hear you now, Tony. Clear and plain and coming through fine. 

I'm coming through fine too, eh? Good, then. Well then as you say we're both coming through fine. Good. 

Well it's good that you're fine and I'm fine. I agree with you. It's great to be fine. 

laughs 

Now then Tony. You know how we've always talked about the possibility of Chris leaving the team. 

Chris, Tony. Chris Duncan. Yes, your main man.

Well now what happened is, one of the other GMs in the league made an offer to take Chris off of our hands.  Just a little offer. 

Well, I'll tell you what I did.  I thought about it for a while, and I decided – I thought it would be best if – I took the offer, To – 

Well let me finish, Tony. 

Let me finish, Tony. 

Well, listen, how do you think I feel about it? Can you imagine how I feel about it, Tony? 

Why do you think I'm calling you? Just to say hello? 

Of course I like to speak to you! Of course I like to say hello! Not now, but any time, Tony. I'm just calling up to tell you about the deal. 

It's a friendly call. Of course it's a friendly call. Listen, if it wasn't friendly, ... you probably wouldn't have even got it. 

Now Tony, listen.  We’re getting back Julio Lugo.  No no, LU-go.  

Goalie? No, that wouldn’t make much sense now would it?  

Detroit I think.  Or maybe he’s retired.  He’s got to be pushing 50.

The Blues?  No that was years ago.  No Tony, Cujo will not be your shortstop.  Lugo.

Yes, shortstop.  At least against lefties.  And he can play a little second or third too, should the need – 

Well, now don’t get all in a huff about it.  I know Chris is a fine player, but – 

Ok.

beat

Hi Dave.  Yes, I’m afraid that’s true but – 

Look Dave, I’m just trying to do my job.  Tell Tony I’m just trying to do my job.

Well, that’s uncalled for.  Don’t you think that’s a little unfair?

Really.  Just leave.  Really?  Well, I – 

Hi Tony.  Both of you?

sighs

Well, I guess I’ll have to cancel the deal then.  It’ll make me a laughingstock.  An impotent stooge who – 

You don’t care.  I see.  

Oh, now how is that fair?  That’s a downright insulting thing to – 

What’s that?  Your dry cleaning, Tony?  I’m not going to pick up your dry clean – 

You’d just leave.  Really?

sighs 

But you’re in Houston now.  Can’t it wait till you get back from Philly?

I see.

But I don’t have your ticket.  They won’t give it to me without a tic – 

You know them personally?  And they’re already expecting me?  

Alright, but this is the last time – 

Ok, well thank you To – thank you Tony for hearing me out on this.  I’m glad we can understand each other.

Yes, I’ll call you next time before something like this is made official.

Yes I see that now.

Ok, thank you Tony.  Mm hmm.  Alright.  Bye.

hangs up receiver; puts head in hands; collects self; sighs; picks up receiver, dials

Theo, hi.  It’s John again.  Listen, let’s put the deal on standby for now.

No no, not cold feet.  I just – 

How do you mean?

He most certainly does not!  I mean, he’s a great manager and I respect him, but I’ve got autonomy in all roster-related matt – 

How did you know about that?  The dry cleaning conversation just happened.  How could you have possibly found out – 

Are you going to answer or just keep laughing?

Goodbye Theo.

hangs up receiver; picks up receiver, dials

Chris?  Chris, it’s John again.  Listen, the deal’s on hold for now.  We’re going to explore some other op –

In my pants.  Why?

No Chris, I assure you.  My balls are safely in my pants and not being stepped on by your father’s size 11s.  And frankly I find that a rude and unprofessional thing to – 

laughs self-consciously

Yeah.  You’re alright too.

Look, just let anyone you told know that it’s on hold for now.

Uh huh.  Fuckin’ A to you too, Chris.

Alright.  Bye.

ACT II

Interior of same office.  JOHN sits at same oak desk.  Phone is on speaker.

JOHN is placing a call.  The phone rings.  The mysterious CONFIDANT answers.

CONFIDANT:

Legend residence.  Hardcore speaking.

JOHN:

Hey HL.  It’s me, John.

CONFIDANT:

Mo!  What’s shakin’ man?

JOHN:

sighs Oh it’s been a rough day.

CONFIDANT:

The Ghost and The Darkness riding your ass again?

JOHN:

Ghost and the…?  Oh.  Yeah, you could say that.

CONFIDANT:

Well, tell me about it man.

JOHN brings CONFIDANT up to speed on occurrences.

JOHN:

…and that brings us to now.

CONFIDANT:

Yeesh.  Well, do you feel like you’ve got any clout left?  Any power whatsoever?

JOHN:

stares at ceiling I don’t know.  The Nationals are hiring.  Maybe I’ll give them a call.

CONFIDANT:

Whoa whoa whoa.  John.  Buddy.  Let’s not do something we’ll all regret.  Just take a deep breath.  You’ll pull through this.

But, uh.  You know, I will have to put this up on VEB…right?

JOHN:

Oh no, HL.  I couldn’t cope with that.  Please.  The fewer people that know about this, the better.

CONFIDANT:

Look, with Tony’s attitude on public relations, this story is going to get out one way or another.  And the Birdos are a sympathetic bunch.  They’ll be hearing your side of the story.

Tell you what.  I’ll leave out the bit about the dry cleaning.

JOHN:

Jesus.  I would hope so.

Alright.  Just make it look like I’ve still got some juevos, alright?

CONFIDANT:

Aside Is this even realistic?  I mean, what’s the author thinking here?  “Juevos”?  Would a major league GM say that?  Who writes dialogue like this?

JOHN:

No kidding man.  This guy’s a hack.  Three-fourths of this piece of crap is essentially a bad Bob Newhart routine.  And did you read the bit where he just rips off Kubrick and Sellers?  Clearly not his own work.

CONFIDANT:

Yeah, this guy sucks.

JOHN:

Goethe he’s not.

CONFIDANT:

No shit. end Aside

Why don’t you take your juevos back?

JOHN:

Huh?  Like how?

CONFIDANT:

Make the deal anyway.  Fuck em.

JOHN:

Seriously?

CONFIDANT:

Seriously.

JOHN:

Oh I don’t – you know what?  Fuck em!  I’m gonna do it!

CONFIDANT:

Yeah!

JOHN:

I’m gonna make the trade!  This is my ship.  I run the joint.  Tony answers to ME – 

Oh, hang on.

CONFIDANT:

What’s up?

JOHN:

Just got a text from Tony.  He wants me to swing by his place and scoop out cat litter.

beat

I’m still making the trade.

CONFIDANT:

Attaboy Mo!

JOHN:

HL, one more thing.  Is AZ really a robot?  Cause I’ve been reading about this saybur – sayburmetrix thing and I think it could really help our front office decision making.  Maybe he has some insight?

CONFIDANT:

He was human once.  But…  He’s more machine now than man: twisted and analytical.

JOHN:

Aside Terrible writing.  Just terrible.

FIN