As Albert chases the elusive Triple Crown, I think it is only appropriate to take a few minutes to ponder the myriad of mythical feats he is capable of achieving in the coming years.
For starters, is the first ever player/commissioner out of the question? As baseball scrambles to find a leader to guide her through the dusk of steroids, ever-rising ticket prices, and fans texting through games rather than watching the history being made in front of them, what better qualities can we ask of our CEO than moral character, vision, and unmatched plate discipline? Someone who isn't afraid to take this sport by the reins and drive it back to the days of purity and nostalgia--while driving balls out of the park. It takes more than glasses, sloppy hair, and an overbite to keep baseball synonymous with Christmas and Red Ryders. Plus, I guarantee the Brewers favoritism will come to a much desired halt.
What about bringing democracy to the third world? Remember during the All-Star game when the President of the United States threw out the first pitch? Yeah, me either. Apparently it happened though. All I remember is the leader of redbird nation squatting behind home plate and catching a ball. So it goes without saying that once he cleans up baseball, ensuring every citizen of the world has his or her voice is next on his agenda. He'll step in where the UN has failed and be a single-handed humanitarian effort. Sham Iranian elections? Albert will count the votes on one hand and declare the rightful winner. Malnutrition and nuclear weapons in North Korea? The bombs will dismantle themselves and dissolve into baskets of rice when the Machine washes ashore. Trouble in the Middle East? The only thing exploding in the streets when Prince Albert is in town is uproarious cheers of support.
Pujols will replace the Panama Canal for the 7th Wonder of the Modern World as he eternally places himself as a bridge between the two oceans (left foot in the Pacific, right foot in the Atlantic) standing strong like the ancient Colossus of Rhodes. He'll provide a beacon of light to weary sailors and unbridled hope to tourists of all nationalities.
After he cures cancer, he'll discover the cures to diseases not even discovered yet, and write them all down in a college-rule spiral notebook for future generations.
The order to visit Mars will come not from NASA, but from #5 himself when he crushes a walk-off home run there and commands Hunter Pence to retrieve it.
And on and on. Is there anything Mr. Pujols can't do? (besides swing at a pitch outside of the strike zone). It will be exciting to witness his march toward the crown--and what a majestic, illustrious crown it will be.