Mr. Reality, having recently returned from a six month New Zealand hiatus after successfully predicting a dormant Cardinal off season, graciously agreed to sit down for a conversation with me on everything Redbird

So it's safe to assume you were not impressed with Mo's off-season?

MR - "Any off-season that features the names Haltiwanger and Maekawa makes me want to take a long nap."

So, you're upset with the front office?

MR - "No, the FAs available were either over-priced, a bad fit or not an upgrade plus I prefer young cheap talent and a financially prudent organization.  I just like making fun of Mo."

Speaking of Mo, we hear he is a friend of yours?  What kind of guy is he?

MR - "Yeah, we both worked for Walt in another life.  He was the front man while I drank alot and read blogs like yours to figure out what to do.  Mo is a good guy...very smart....a quiet leader and not nearly as subservient to TLR and DeWitt as some think.....he will be a good GM for a long time...but please, let's continue making fun of him"

What does Mo do all day long?

MR - "He is a very spiritual man as evidenced by all the time he spends in prayer for Carp's health.  As a hobby, he tracks Astro and Brewer transactions - a practice he claims bolsters his self-esteem and fine tunes his favorite strategy - Opposite Day." 

And Walt?

MR - "Walt's a good guy too and the Reds are lucky to have him.  Unfortunately he doesn't understand the little known Pete Rose Curse that has hung over The Queen City since Pinella left town.  It's really much worse that the Billy Goat thing.  Until Pete Rose comes clean and tells the entire truth, the Reds will continue to suffer thru folks like Ray Knight, Dusty Baker, Willy Taveras and Jerry Hairston Jr."

Do you despise DeWitt like many of the posters at post-dispatch.com?

MR - "No.  Hate is reserved for the Cubs and rich lying hypocrites like Bud Selig and Barry Bonds.  Posters at post-dispatch.com are idiots."

Okay, so the off-season didn't sizzle.  There appears to be some great competition in camp for the the 25 spots heading north.  Right? 

MR - "Wrong. The roster is already set.  Spring is an an exercise of Tony warming up his brain to constantly tinker, while giving the illusion of performance based decisions - choices were actually made in the deep recesses of his mind long ago on the patio of his west coast home, surrounded by hundreds of rescued animals (some of which speak to him), eating tofu and drinking only 2 glasses of wine with little sleep."

So who is on this pre-determined roster?

MR - "Carp, AW, Lohse, Welly, Pinata......Perez, Franklin, K-Mac, Kinney, Long-Brad....Miller/Ring.....Molina/LaRue.....Pujols, Khalil, Freese, Skip....Ryan, Thurston.....Ank, Luddy, Duncan, Mather, Barton......but TLR will pretend to play out the drama until the 11th hour.....why I am not sure"

NO COLBY?

MR - "Colby could have a monster spring and send the Astronaut into a Memphis orbit but I see Colby goin to Graceland for a least a few months

There are 37 catchers in camp including Bryan Anderson...any chance of one of them unseating Molina/LaRue?

MR - "You, Sir, have a better chance of making the roster than any of the 37 who are not allowed to even dress in the same building as Molina/LaRue.  If you look closely you will notice they were all assigned uniform numbers higher than 100 in a deliberate attempt to further demoralize them"

What about Motte?

MR - "LaDunc has a little known clause in their contract that allows them to choose one pitcher to continually f*$#* with every year.  This year it's Jason.  On another note, I see Anthony Reyes having a big year in Cleveland."

You seem ready to annoint Skip as the 2 bagger?

MR - "A TLR favorite taking grounders at second is a worse case scenario for Hoffpauier, Greene, Ryan and Barden.  Utley could not beat out Skip this spring.  Plus TLR can't wait for all those cool double switches that involve infield and outfield.  The only decision not made is who will ceremoniously deliver the "other" glove to Skip."

What about B Ryan?

MR - "Ryan will make the roster because he is versatile, nearly out of options and will serve as a constant TLR example to Mo as to why Miles should have been re-signed.  Dog Ryan serves the same purpose as our family pet - loveable and funny but easy to blame when something goes wrong."

And you have annointed Freese at third?

MR - "Yeah, along with Mather, Ryan and everyone else TLR can use to make it a nightmare merry-go-round until Glaus returns.  Freese will get the primary job because orderliness of promotion must be honored in TLR's 1980s computer brain - thus sending Craig and Wallace to minor league camp.  Wallace will set a record for number of ribs consumed at Rendezvous this year. (though Neely's BBQ is much better)"

Why so sure on Thurston?

MR - "Usage of the nickname Thirsty is way too tempting plus there must, for unknown reasons, be one player on the Cardinal bench who can only play second base."

Brad the Long-Man out of the pen?

MR - "Yeah, by default.  They brought in Cal Eldred to work with him.  Cal showed up to simply tell Brad that the job sucked but it beat being unemployed.  I think we'll be ok here if for no other reason than major league hitters refuse to take Brad's face seriously."

Are you a fan of the pitcher batting eighth?

MR - "I'm not really a fan of anything that can best be defended by saying Ned Yost does it too.  But I really don't care.  More bizarre TLR ideas are near the launching pad.  They are much too frightening to mention here but I will tell you that one is called The Triple Switch and it requires the umpire and Tony to share a special pencil."

So what do you REALLY think of TLR?

MR - "He's not bad for an old school Italian perfectionist lawyer who grew up in Florida, played MLB as Aaron Miles the First, cut his managerial teeth on the south side of Chicago, picked up odd habits on the west coast, hangs out with a grizzly old catcher and now makes a living in the Midwest.  I can certainly understand how he can be tormented at times."

Any thoughts on steroids and A-Rod?

MR - "I miss the old days when players were merely drunk and hungover"

How do we solve the outfield log-jam?

MR - "Due to simultaneous and eternal Ank/Dunc/Skip love, the laws of physics will not allow any movement in this stalemate.  Dr. Phil will be brought in to denounce the thought of an entire lineup featuring only lefty outfielders.  The jet propulsion lab in Los Angeles is currently working on the issue but no resolution is imminent.  Their progression charts currently predict Colby, Jay and Jones all blossoming into MLB outfielders and some sort of explosion occurring near non-lake DeWitt in mid 2010."

Are you happy that Izzy is gone?

"Yeah, especially to TB where they take good care of disabled and elderly people.  Izzy is just short of legend status so he's overdue some love in St. Loo but it is Perez time.  Unfortunately, we will be reminded that even Bruce Sutter blew saves - especially when young.  So I see plenty of opportunity for a Perez alcohol-rehab and Franklin coming on to make us feel better about a drunk Perez who can't find the plate."

Thoughts on Piniero?

MR - "Jo-El is not a stable man.  While that can work to a pitcher's advantage (see Joaquin Andujar), I ultimately see him on a fast track back home where he will live handsomely off Cardinal millions, serve as a Puerto Rican goodwill ambassador and hold a grudge against the Cardinals eternally"

Who is the smartest man in St. Louis.......and the most dangerous?

MR - "Smartest is Goold......Bernie & Gordon would be the most dangerous if anyone paid attention to them"

Given your insights, any secrets you can share?

MR - "I probably shouldn't say this but TLR is looking at his last year or two in uniform as PETA is eyeing him for a lucrative board position.  A relative unknown has already been selected as replacement and it's not Oquendo.  The Top Secret selection has purposely stepped out of the public limelight to get his head right and is currently spending alot of time at Grant's Farm drinking beer and eating braunschweiger with Whitey Herzog.  I can't reveal his real name but I will tell you that he will prefer all non-caps on the names of players on the back of uniforms."

Finally - and thanks for your time - what happened in New Zealand?

MR - "Unlike Vegas, what happens in NZ does not stay in NZ.  I hang out and drink tequila with some of the great Cardinal thinkers of all-time.......Carlton, Tudor, Templeton, Mitchell Page, Rex Hudler, Vern Rapp, Pedro Guerrero and Ray Lankford......when spring hits, we head home to cause as much trouble as we possibly can."