Once every summer (and I usually wait until summer), I indulge myself in arguably the greatest sports film ever made, the great "Bull Durham." I find that spacing out my viewings of the classic allows me not to have the lines memorized and to laugh at the jokes I forget. This year, line after line made me think of the 2008 St. Louis Cardinals as we approach the All-Star Break. So, I thought I would offer a mid-season review based on quotes from the film.

 "This is a simple game: You throw the ball, you hit the ball, you catch the ball. You got it!"

-- Skip

To the entire roster, who, as of this writing, was second in the NL in hitting and OBP, to Rick Ankiel for the two greatest outfield throws I've ever seen, the starters (when healthy) -- Wainwright (3.14), Lohse (3.61), Wellemeyer (3.94), Looper, 4.15--and to the team as a whole for its defensive prowess in the first half. Our RZR 20 points over the league average, good for second in the NL behind San Diego.

"Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring. Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls - it's more democratic."

-- Crash Davis

To Dave Duncan and the starting rotation. While the pitching has fallen off with the injuries to both Wainwright and The Colonel, Lohse has been a revelation and Looper has been solid, if unspectacular. The Duncan "Pitch-to-Contact" dictum is being executed to great effect and the Cards are in the playoff hunt because of the improvement in its pitching from last season.

Kyle Lohse

Career GB%: 41.4% / 2008 GB%: 47.2%

Career ERA: 4.72 / 2008 ERA: 3.76

Adam Wainwright GB%: 34.7%

The Colonel GB%: 40.1%

Looper GB%:  48.8%

El Pineiro GB%: 45.5%

The Cardinals' strikeout total of 516 ties us for 26th in all of MLB thanks to Duncan's anti-fascist, pro-democracy policies.

"You're gonna have to learn your clichés. You're gonna have to study them, you're gonna have to know them. They're your friends. Write this down: 'We gotta play it one day at a time.'"

-- Crash Davis

To TLR for re-selling his "Play a Hard Nine" cliché to his club, the team, and the media. We all know that the key to the Redbird renaissance is shedding aging, injury-riddled and fading veterans is the primary source of our resurrgence. This is complimented by replacing the outgoing veterans with moldable, younger players. These less-injured players have adopted a patient hitting style that has translated into an effective offense. In addition, they have the quickness and speed on defense to get to more batted balls (especially with a pitch-to-contact, democratic philosophy).

"There's never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career. Making love is like hitting a baseball: you just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides, I'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250... not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle."

-- Annie Savoy

Now, I have no idea who Cesar Izturis is sleeping with and don't really care, but this quote goes to TLR for apparently subscribing to the theory that you shouldn't pencil a player into lineup hitting under .250 unless he is a great glove man up the middle. There is no other redeeming characteristic of Cesar Izturis that would allow him to regularly start for a Major League club.

After a start to the season with an OBP over .400, which validated his roster slot, Izturis has regressed to the mean. As of this writing, he is batting .236/.309/.307, which is so intolerably bad, I can't even bring myself to type anything about his defense redeeming him. It's that bad. I don't think Annie Savoy would sleep with him. Maybe some Walt Whitman would help his batting...

Crash: Did you hit me with your right hand or did you hit me with your left? Huh? Did you hit me with your right hand or did you hit me with your LEFT?

Nuke: My left.

Crash: Good! That's good; when you get in a fight with a drunk you don't hit him with your pitching hand. God, I can't keep giving you these free lessons so quit screwin' around and help me up.

This goes to TLR for his bullpen management. This may be difficult to fathom, so I will try and lay it out. Ron Villone is a LOOGY and nothing more. He has a BAA of .184 vs. lefties and allows an OPS of .586 against them, which is what a LOOGY should do. However, he has appeared in 35 games and has a 5.32 ERA. I realize he has appeared in a few blowouts, but TLR simply should not allow Ron Villone to pitch to righties late in close contests.

Then there is Randy Flores who has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. He has an ERA of 5.12 overall while allowing a BAA/OPS of .278/.864 vs. lefties. Against righties, his BAA/OPS is actually lower, but still nothing to write home about, at .268/.741. He should not be on the team.

The Cards need to acquire another man who can hit a drunk with his right hand in a bar fight.

"I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf..."

To Troy Glaus, whose plantar faciitis has yet to rear its head, and whose defense has benefited from the move to a natural playing surface. (I'm lazily just going to use RZR).

Glaus has a RZR of .743 with an OOZ total of 32.

"...and the designated hitter."

-- Crash Davis

This is to the entire NL, including the Cards. The AL went 142-109 vs. the NL in 2008's interleague play and look poised to win their eleventh out of twelve and sixth straight All-Star Exhibition Game That Counts, for homefield advantage in the World Series, which means four games of a DH. The Cards' interleague record of 7-8 includes a 2-4 record in the I-70 series vs. the lowly Royals.

"I believe in...the hanging curveball."

-- Crash Davis

To Rick Ankiel and his well-documented pounding of offspeed pitches, including the curveball.

"A player on a streak has to respect the streak. You know why? Because they don't happen very often."

-- Crash Davis

To Ryan Ludwick and his red hot start to the season. Through June 6, he had 13 homers in 180 ABs, a BA of .303, OBP of .376 and slugged .628. After having an ice cold June in which he hit .228/.298/.406, he is heating up the St. Louis summer. His numbers in the very young month of July: .375/.444/.625. Hopefully another extended hot streak is afoot.

"Know what the difference between hitting .250 and .300 is? It's 25 hits. 25 hits in 500 at bats is 50 points, okay? There's 6 months in a season, that's about 25 weeks. That means if you get just one extra flare a week - just one - a gorp... you get a groundball, you get a groundball with eyes... you get a dying quail, just one more dying quail a week... and you're in Yankee Stadium."

-- Crash Davis

To Adam Kennedy, who hit .314 in April, .161 in May, .311 in June, and is currently sitting at .538 in July. This, after batting .218 in 2007. Kennedy's BABIP for the season? Up to .322, 9 points above his career number and 93 points above last season's number. It is also 18 points below Aaron Miles' BABIP. Who do you think will have a higher BA come September?

"You're not getting that weak ass shit by me, meat."

-- Crash Davis

To Albert Pujols and his .320 BA, .471 OBP, .624 SLG, 1.095 OPS and 18 homers in 76 games. It seems that nearly every toss is "weak ass shit" to El Hombre.

Clubhouse reporter: So how does it feel to get your first professional win?

Nuke: It feels out there. I mean, it's a major rush. I mean, it feels radical in kind of a tubular sort of way, but most of all, it feels out there.

To the rooks who have made their big league debuts this season: McClellan, Perez, Parisi, Boggs, Worrell, Barton, Rico, Mather, and Stavinoha.

Nine rookies making a big league contribution this year. That's out there, radical in kind of a tubular sort of way, but most of all, it's out there.

Umpire: Did you just call me a cocksucker?
Crash Davis: I said it was a cocksucking call.
Umpire: Did you just call me a cocksucker?
Crash: No, I said it was a cocksucking call.
Umpire: Call me a cocksucker again and you're out of here.
Crash: Do you want me to call you a cocksucker?
Umpire: Call me a coksucker and you're gone.
Crash: You're a cocksucker!
Umpire: You're Outta Here!
Crash: DAMMIT!
Robert Wuhl: Crash must of called the guy a 'cocksucker.'

To Yadier Molina for the best ejection of the year, hands down. I don't know if he said the magic word, but he was sticking up for his Ace on one of Wainwright's rougher outings and I'm sure I'm not the only one who appreciate Molina sticking up for his teammate.

"You know, you never handle your luggage in the show, somebody else carries your bags."

-- Crash Davis

To Mark Mulder, who started experiencing back spasms after moving his luggage, causing him to miss a rehab start, but not preventing the Cardinals from activating him off of the DL, to the 'pen, and then to the rotation for his first start against the menacing Phillies.

Barry Weinburg, Cardinals' trainer, on the minor injury:

Trainer Barry Weinberg, who had heard the luggage story also, said, jokingly, "That was a $10 preventable injury. Ten dollars for a bellman. I would have loaned him the $10."

Clearly, this is why you never handle your luggage in the show.