FanPost

Redbird Nicknames

This post is partially inspired by suggesting this as a Fanpost last weekend during the series in San Fran when brindled suggested a fanstpost after discussing what names Miles would have on his XFL jersey and then by Red Baron's advocacy for "Santa Glaus" as our new thirdbaseman's nickname.

I have been relucatant to make such a fanpost with nickname suggestions because it is so daunting a task. I firmly believe that player nicknames sprout organically from the soil of comments during games and grab hold as they prove accurate over the 162-game slog. Nonetheless, it is a lot of fun and my suggestions are by no means the end-all, be-all of such an exercise. I greatly look forward to the VEB community's ideas.

So, in honor of Vinca McMahon's aborted XFL and its jerseys featuring nicknames (may "He Hate Me" rest in peace), lets discuss what nicknames would be found on the flip side of the Birds-on-Bat if Bud Selig were displaced as MLB Commish by Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

He_hate_me_medium

via blog.wired.com

AARON MILES

He is penciled into the leadoff spot of this daunting fanpost because I feel his is teeball compared to many others on the roster. "Grit" seems to be the ideal nickname to supplant Miles on the back of his jersey. It sums up, in one word, why TLR insists that he be on the roster, as well as labeling the only plus skill set Miles has as a big leaguer. Plus, the man has scars on his back from fighting a gunman for control of his firearm during a hostage situation. Miles is grit and grit is Miles.

 TODD WELLEMEYER

Goold's piece in the P-D on Friday's victory over San Fran, I believe, gives us Wellemeyer's nickname.

Whether it's the short towel he wears around the clubhouse or the business card he carries as a certified Kentucky Colonel, the Cardinals are used to Todd Wellemeyer being out of the ordinary.

You really need to read this from the Kentucky Secretary of State's webiste, too. Did you know that "Colonel" is the highest honor given to a Kentucky citizen? Or that The Honorable Order of Kentucky Colonels is "A great non-political brotherhood for the advancement of Kentucky and Kentuckians." You see, Wellemeyer is a member of this Honorable Order, along with another famous Kentucky Colonel.

I believe it only natural that Wellemeyer be "Colonel."

 BRAD THOMPSON

I love "WonderBrad" as a nickname for him. I have piggybacked it a little. Last summer, I was in Europe (and I picked the right summer to miss the vast majority of Cardinal games). Well, when explaining to one of our German friends our nickname for Brad Thompson, my friend, who is fluent in German, said, "Das WunderBrad," or, "The WonderBrad." Now, every time I see Thompson's headshot on GameCast, I chuckle because a German-accented "Das WunderBrad" plays in the Soundtrack of My Life. Can you imagine him dancing in a European discotech to bad techno and introducing himself to German girls as "Das WunderBrad?" I digress...

RICO WASHINGTON

Is it "Suave" or "Uncle Rico?"

 JASON LARUE

Where to begin? Given his forbidden hair, ape drape, t-bird tail, or, just ol' mullet, what is the best option. "Biz N Front?" Since the name would be viewed from the back, it would compliment the easily visible "party in the back" portion of LaRue's hairdo. Or, should we try something all-encompassing, like, say, "Lawrence," harkening to the dry-walling construction worker neighbor from Office Space, a character that LaRue plainly looks up to and maybe even is intentionally emulating.

RYAN FRANKLIN

 I nominate "Franklinstein," and tip my cap to the Red Baron, who clearly puts a great deal of thought into this. What's more, with his PED use, it's even more fitting.

BRENDAN RYAN

My suggest is "Nuke." He plays the infield the way that Ebby Calvin LaLoosh pitched: hard and all over the place. Can't you picture Ryan breathing through his eyelids, wearing a garter belt underneath his uniform, abstaining from sex to keep a streak alive, and generally carrying on conversations with Miles in the vein of LaLoosh and Crash conversations?

RICK ANKIEL

"The Natural," "Hobbs," "'Ammerin' Ank," all have been used. Watching him play, I always think of Roy Hobbs.

CESAR IZTURIS

Mendoza the Second, or, "Mendoza II" is my suggestion. As his walk rate tumbles back to career norms and reveals his true offensive capabilities, we are left to wonder whether or not his batting average will fall on the over- or under-side of the mythical "Mendoza Line."

CHRIS DUNCAN

"Lil' Dunc," "Dunc the Yunger," "Lumberjack," and more have been thrown out. I like "Lumberjack," especially given his phenomenal player beard in 2006 coupled with his giant dip of chew. (The preceeding link actually shows some tobacco spit intermingled with his beard.) "Chaw" also comes to mind: "a wad of something chewable, such as tobacco." For some reason, his photograph on Gamecast this season makes me think of him as a "Chaw"...

SKIP SCHUMAKER

Since his real name is "Jared," it seems that "Skip" wins. I kind of like "Skippy" myself, given his small-dog like appearance. "Cobbler" maybe?

RYAN LUDWICK

"Lud" or "Luds" seems to be a favorite of VEB.

ADAM KENNEDY

AK 87? (He played in 87 games last year.) AFK? Dead Kennedy? "Adam Kennedy of Anaheim?" Of course, his bat doesn't look quite so dead thus far this season.

KYLE MCCLELLAN

"Nails?" "McNails?" "Golden Arches?"

ANTHONY REYES

"Love/Hate" would seem to be the common ground for the VEB community. "He Hates Me?"

KYLE LOHSE

"Hired Gun." Kyle "The Coup" Lohse. "Best Value."

BRADEN LOOPER

Braden "The Convert" Looper. "Converted" Braden Looper. "The Braden Looper Experiment."

MATT CLEMENT

"Scrap Heap '08". "Junker." "Fix'r Up."

MARK MULDER

"Seventh-Best, or, Sixth-Best?" "Has-Been." "Not Haren."

RANDY FLORES

LOOGY I.

RON VILLONE

LOOGY II.

RUSS SPRINGER

"One More Year." "Proven Vet." "Still Got It." "Cal Eldred."

KELVIM JIMENEZ

"Has Options."

BRIAN BARTON

"Dreads," "Rule 5-er," Brian "Brains" Barton, "Intelligentsia."

ADAM WAINWRIGHT

His nickname is "Wagonmaker."

ALBERT PUJOLS

He has quite a few. "El Hombre" would look cool across his jersey back.

TROY GLAUS

"Santa Glaus" has been kicked around. So were a few others. I defer.

JASON ISRINGHAUSEN

Obviously, "Izzy" is Izzy's nickname.

YADIER MOLINA

"Yadi."

CHRIS CARPENTER

"Carp" or "Ace."

TONY LA RUSSA

"Esquire," which is what attorneys put after their name. "Mad Scientist." "Genius."

DAVE DUNCAN

"The Resurrector." "Crotchetty."

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