Viva El Birdos Theater
by DanUpBaby on Oct 31, 2008 12:12 PM EDT
Email
PrintHALLOWEEN SPECIAL
A PLAY IN ONE ACT
In the late fall there is a strange calm to Busch Stadium. With the players gone, and the immediacy of the Winter Meetings not yet at hand, TONY LA RUSSA holds court over a small group of coaches and executives who enjoy the strange atmosphere. Look at the stadium from your perch in the Hilton on this night and you would see an eerie light emanating from a distant conference room. In this light strange things are happening—strange, inscrutable things.
JOHN MOZELIAK: Hey guys, I was just wondering if—
TONY LA RUSSA: I got a rock.
JOHN: If you could—and I don't think it's too much to ask—if you could—
TONY: I got a rock.
JOHN: If you could just chip in on the black light. I—I had to buy it, you can't rent one on Halloween night.
TONY: I got a... Hey, John-boy: 'I got a rock' or 'I got a rock'? I've gotta get this right before we have the costume contest. Linus hasn't even seen it before. Fat lot of help he's been.
TONY is wearing a sweater in the unmistakable Charlie Brown pattern. He's been running his lines for some time now, and next to him his line partner (and Linus) seems to be losing his edge.
FELIPE LOPEZ: The second—please, the second.
TONY: Can it, Linus, Mozy-On is talking.
JOHN: I—it's been a while, but I think it's the second.
TONY: Good. Good. I'm going to spring this on DeWitt when he judges the contest. It's gonna be hilarious. Come on, Linus, let's find you a pumpkin.
FELIPE: Yes, boss.
They walk off, and JOHN is left alone with a man dressed up as Thurston Howell III.
THURSTON: How much did you say it was, my dear? I'll get it.
JOHN: Thanks, Kyle. Nice costume.
THURSTON: Wait, is it Halloween?
JOHN has spent the better part of a day decorating the conference room. There are cotton cobwebs draped along every corner; there's a skeleton hanging on the door; in a stroke of genius the chairs have all been wrapped in black-light paper. But no one has commented on dear John's work, or his C.C. Sabathia costume. In another corner of the room DAVE DUNCAN, a vampire, and MARK MULDER, an FBI agent, are discussing something.
DAVE: So the last scenario didn't do anything for you?
MARK: No, it's—you really don't have to worry about it. My agent has some leads.
DAVE: Okay, try this on—right-handed, sinkerball, one-out specialist, and, wait for it, platoon outfielder.
MARK: It's really not a big deal.
DAVE: Okay okay—Both hands, long relief, you don't pitch on Presidents' birthdays, sinkerball.
MARK: I've really gotta... it's late, and all. It was nice talking to you.
DAVE: Left hand, running start, submarine, sinkerba—[yelling] I'll let you know!
Some time passes; the Halloween Novelty Hits CD has to be restarted from "Monster Mash"; everyone seems to be having a good time. But where is JOHN? If you were to look behind that skeleton door, now, inside TONY's office. . .
<MozNoz> I'd like to thank everybody for coming to this impromptu Halloween chat. I'm John Mozeliak, the GM of the St. Louis Cardinals, and I'm going to be answering your questions for the next—until Halloween is over. First question?
<Skip<3> What are your plans for Colby Rasmus this year?
<Skip<3> Thanks.
<MozNoz> Alright, next question?
<Felippers> What are the plans for second base next year?
<MozNoz> I don't like to get too specific in these, but we might fill it internally.
<Felippers> With, like, a really cool guy?
<MozNoz> Next question—ah, CardsFan5, you're up.
<CardzFan10> I got a rock.
<CardzFan10> I got a rock.
<MozNoz> Alright. Alright, that wraps it up for this chat—I wish I could've stayed longer, some great questions tonight.
JOHN marches out into the party to confront CardzFan10. TONY is on KYLE LOHSE's iPhone.
JOHN: Look, Mr. La Russa, it's one thing to try it out on me in person, but did you really have to do it in my chat?
TONY: What do you mean?
JOHN: I got a rock.
TONY: John John, that wasn't me. That was just a fan. They're always saying that. Remember the trade deadline?
JOHN: Really? Oh, that's—it's just nice to know you're not like that.
TONY: Really, Johnny! Ask the other guys in Bernie's Pressbox, I've always been Felippers on the PD site.
JOHN: Oh, thank good—wait, what?
TONY: Shh—it's about to start!
At the front of the conference room BILL DEWITT is examining his costumed employees. One by one they come under the gaze of his monocled eyes, until, finally:
BILL: The winner is...
TONY: I got a
BILL: Mark "Fox" Mulder!
A confused applause rings out. MARK, on the phone with his agent, gives a nervous thumbs-up. BILL presents him with a Best Buy gift card. TONY, crushed but resilient, waits for BILL to talk to him.
BILL: I always loved The X-Files, Mark. Anything to say about your costume? That's a great wig.
TONY: Speech! Speech! Speech!
DAVE: Yeah, speech!
MARK: I have to comb my hair with my right hand now.
CURTAIN
[NOTE: While you're in the Halloween spirit C70 at the Bat has a post that combines two of my favorite things: Novelty entries and Star Wars. If you can imagine a world in which Colby Rasmus yells "I killed them! I killed them like animals!" you should check it out.]
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happy halloween!
i really enjoyed the mulder and duncan chat. good stuff
"Sorry about him, he's dealing with being an inker. " - Chasing Amy
How did DanUp get an official transcript of the Cardinals' Halloween party?
This is some impressive reporting, DanUp. And how is it possible that it’s noon (central timezone) and next to no comments yet?
it was eleven
and no post, so I take full responsibility for the lack of comments. Except for this one.
nice
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Oct 31, 2008 1:06 PM EDT reply actions
yes it's real
at least it was real. if i remember correctly it’s from 06. that’s his face as he hit the HR in game 7 of the NLCS.
I'm going to go try to find a puppy and kick it. - Brad Thompson AND THAT'S A WINNER!
I kind of like Rasmus as Skywalker though
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Oct 31, 2008 1:09 PM EDT reply actions
perfect!
i nominate donatello. donatello was always the slowest turtle in the videogames (i think…) but had a long reach (his bo). he’s always the wiz kid of the bunch.
yadi has reach as well, whether throwing out baserunners (defensive wiz) or making surprising amounts of contact with his own piece of lumber. he’s also not particularly fast.
this is not the dorkiest comparison i have ever made between a real or fictional character and the teenage mutant ninja turtles. trust me, this is only moderate geekdom/dorkitude for me.
heh
or yoda
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Oct 31, 2008 3:15 PM EDT up reply actions
awesomeness
Amaury translates into "Punisher of Spheroids" in the lost tongue of Atlantis. Marti means "Belgian Waffle." www.futureredbirds.net
I am sitting in a library...
and I laughed so hard at the “TONY is on KYLE LOHSE’S iphone part” I could barely control myself! Bravo!
"I've never felt better to be hit by a big guy like that, in my life." - Brad Lidge on Ryan Howard
Positional Roundup
Beyond the Box Score (a SBN blog about looking behind the normal stats, well worth the read if you aren’t already) is doing a roundup of every position, looking at the top 10 players at every position in depth. He computes the list based on offense and defense. The defensive score has a positional adjustment for how often you played the position and how difficult it is and a fielding adjustment for how well you played at that position.
Here is how the Cards have ranked so far with the value they received in parens:
CF: 16 Skip M Schumaker (20) 17 Rick Ankiel (19)
2B: 16 Kennedy (18), 23 Miles (12)
1B: 1 Pujols (98)
C: 15 Yadi (19)
LF: none ranked
3B: 7 Glaus (38, with a negative Def ranking)
Still waiting on SS and RF rankings
i'm really glad i discovered that site
the position round roundups are really cool. i had no idea how good adrian beltre is, i just remembered his insane 2004 and figured he had fallen off a cliff or something.
also, the site more or less functions as a shrine to albert pujols, validating his awesomeness again and again.
thanks, much appreciated
and, well, given how good Albert Pujols is, doesn’t he deserve at least one shrine?
Beyond the Boxscore // Calling BJ Upton lazy is lazy.
by Sky Kalkman on Oct 31, 2008 3:55 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
I liked how you said that someone can go as a deity for halloween
and say they’re Albert Pujols
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Oct 31, 2008 4:12 PM EDT up reply actions
ah
very good
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Oct 31, 2008 4:23 PM EDT up reply actions
Never seen you over at VEB before
Big fan of your site and appreciate your work.
by FlimtotheFlam on Oct 31, 2008 4:33 PM EDT up reply actions
adam kennedy again was much better than given credit for
Interesting to see Alexei Ramirez and Mark Grudzelianek at the very bottom. And Polanco was more valuable than kinsler… fascinating stuff.
the enemy's gate is down.
Fan of the site also
I have been saying for awhile now that Kennedy is not as bad as we think he is for awhile now. His $4 mil will not be a problem to trade.
by FlimtotheFlam on Oct 31, 2008 3:19 PM EDT up reply actions
His value is in Defense
of his 18 points 2 were from offense and 16 from defense, and I think they missed a point with him too, I think he should be at 19 points, regardless he hasn’t been as bad as people make him out to be, he was the 2008 Encarnacion of the team, the guy that did what was expected but got trashed anyway.
interesting comparison between encarnacion and kennedy
seems apt to me, but maybe somebody out there will dispute it? i wholly admit that i was on the anti-kennedy bandwagon for a long time, and then realized the objective evidence of his value. interestingly enough, i was never anti-encarnacion. i think juan was average-ish enough all around that he didn’t seem to really “suck” at anything to me. kennedy’s hitting appeared so bad at a time (though it was better then iz2, right?) that it seemed impossible his defense could make up for it.
I can dispute myself even
see how that works?
Juan’s career line is .270/.317/.441 in 06 he put up a line of .278/.317/.443 , his career average.
Kennedy’s career line is .276/.328/.389 in 07 he was .219/.282/.290 but where the comparison comes into play is his 08 season line of .280/.321/.372 right in line with his career. The 07 season of Kennedy appears a fluke, otherwise he and Juan were both the players that were advertised. We knew what we were getting and we got it minus one horrible season, and that season also saw horrible returns from almost the entire team.
in defense of
fans who don’t like Adam Kennedy, he was hitting .273/.314/.336 before his hot September—at which point a lot of people had checked out along with the Cardinals’ playoff chances.
ouch
a .314 obp, stinky
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Oct 31, 2008 4:11 PM EDT up reply actions
He still only finished at .280/.321/.372
It was always his fielding that made him good instead of below-average overall.
Beyond the Boxscore // Calling BJ Upton lazy is lazy.
Defense
I was wondering though what made Glaus’ defensive stat negative. I know you listed the stats that you looked at,
# Combined STATS and BIS zone ratings converted to runs to measure fielding.
but I really thought he was slightly above average in most other stats this year. In the end the entire defensive stat was only -1 which is basically average from how I understand the system.
my only guess
is that maybe he doesn’t have much range?
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Oct 31, 2008 4:24 PM EDT up reply actions
what do you mean by other stats? specific systems or other approaches?
The only other systems I’d pay attention to are UZR (not available publicly for 2008), Dewan’s +/- (must pay for it), and PMR (not yet published for 2008 over at baseballmusings.com). Oh, and TotalZone, which also isn’t yet available for 2008. You’d be interested to check out Sean Smith’s fielding projections, which use a combination of metrics over the past five years to gauge a player’s true fielding talent instead of assessing just one year’s performance.
http://lanaheimangelfan.blogspot.com/2008/10/defensive-projections.html
Stuff like Win Shares, BPro’s FRAA, range factor and fielding percentage aren’t based on hit location data, and thus MUCH less valuable.
Beyond the Boxscore // Calling BJ Upton lazy is lazy.
Well I guess the "less valuable stuff"
Considering I have had no access to the premium stats, and those don’t get updated very often during a season we are left with FRAA, RF, FPTC, etc. when trying to come up with statistical defensive metrics during the season.
these combined zone ratings will be updated every couple weeks throughout the season
that’s frequently enough.
Beyond the Boxscore // Calling BJ Upton lazy is lazy.
I was surprised that Yadi Molina was ranked at 15th in catchers
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Oct 31, 2008 4:46 PM EDT up reply actions
did you expect him to be higher or lower?
honest question, especially because i wasn’t even sure where i expected him to rank. we all know his hitting improved again, and some thought his defense may have fallen a bit. kind of hard to peg.
I thought he woulda been about 9th
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Oct 31, 2008 5:35 PM EDT up reply actions
to be honest
I probably woulda said 5th, maybe even better… but that was because I forgot that he had an off season defensively. I get kind of homerish about Molina
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Oct 31, 2008 5:39 PM EDT up reply actions
it actually wasn't that bad of a year
izzy and flores made no effort to hold runners on this year, so he was 0-8 in CS with those two on the mound. That was almost 1/4 of the SB against him. At least a couple others were due to Iz2 not catching a throw that would have been very close.
Anyway, the methodology is suspect. “For catchers, fielding is based on passed ball/wild pitch rates and SB/CS ratios” leaves a lot of room for interpretation.
the enemy's gate is down.
the difference between 15th and 5th is only fifteen runs
Beyond the Boxscore // Calling BJ Upton lazy is lazy.
when you post a 60 OPS+ your first two years in the league, improving over the next two years can still leave you mediocre
he was ninth overall last year in these ratings, fyi.
Beyond the Boxscore // Calling BJ Upton lazy is lazy.
huh
that’s ironic, I didn’t even read your comment and I said 9th. I thought the ratings were just for ’08 btw
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Oct 31, 2008 5:39 PM EDT up reply actions
i did the same thing last year -- you can find links within each positional article
Beyond the Boxscore // Calling BJ Upton lazy is lazy.
Hot September
his September was: .320/.358/.580
While I do see where you are going (he did good after they were dead) I don’t agree with it. April he was .314/.364/.357, do I discount that as well?
maybe we should just play him at the beginning and end of every season
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Oct 31, 2008 4:23 PM EDT up reply actions
Who?
You talking about Kennedy or Furcal?
by FlimtotheFlam on Oct 31, 2008 4:34 PM EDT up reply actions
kennedy
since he was hot in April and September
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Oct 31, 2008 4:45 PM EDT up reply actions
april/september platoon?
furcal was almost albert pujols for a month. i say play him early, kennedy late. capitalize on both their peaks.
makes sense
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Oct 31, 2008 5:40 PM EDT up reply actions
I'm not saying you should discount it
just saying that people who thought Kennedy was a black hole might have tuned out before he added forty points to his slugging percentage. For most of the year it was fair to say that he had been awful at the plate two years in a row.
Thanks for the Halloween treat
I wonder who those leads are that Mulder’s agent has? Oops, I should have known.
Wondering where you got the online name for Lohse? I think CardzFan10 is wrong.
Pretty sure online he uses the name WestCoastBirdWatcher.
"Do what you want to the women and children but leave me alone"- George Carlin
by That's a Winner on Oct 31, 2008 2:51 PM EDT reply actions
so are you saying that Lohse saw Hendrix 3 times?
he woulda been pretty young…
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Oct 31, 2008 3:19 PM EDT up reply actions
I'm not much older than Lohse
and I’ve seen Hendrix five of six times, at least I think I did. Those Peyoteos are GREAT!!!!!!
"Do what you want to the women and children but leave me alone"- George Carlin
by That's a Winner on Oct 31, 2008 3:45 PM EDT up reply actions
cool
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Oct 31, 2008 3:52 PM EDT up reply actions
Jocketty and Mulder
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me a third time, it’s quite possible I don’t remember the first two times or anything post 2003…..
"I just wish that the late Harry Caray were still around so I could hear him mispronounce 'Kosuke Fukudome' every fukun' night" -- Dennis Miller
Jocketty has a crush on Mulder
it’s the only explanation
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Oct 31, 2008 4:47 PM EDT up reply actions
see, by eventually turning Mulder into an effective pitcher again...
Jocketty will prove Beane wrong for sending him away. this will in turn prove that Jocketty is the great GM in the whole wide world, NOT Billy Beane. it makes total sense, when you think about it.
That's my guess.
But, I’m sure some will figure that a 22 year old catcher has no future with this team due to being blocked by a 1 year contract to Jason LaRue.
Catherine whispered into my ear, her breath rich with faraway spices, that she desire to make love. She wanted to try shinshi shinshi. Now, I'd been begging her to try shinshi shinshi for months. She'd refused on the grounds that it was unclean. Finally, she was willing to accept her lover's body in places no one had ever trespassed. Specifically, the ear canal.
I doubt he gets moved
He’s not a viable backup for any but the most desperate team. He’s really just a AAA-quality potential MLBer right now. That’s why I immediately discounted that Yankees rumor. To my knowledge, Anderson hasn’t been sought out by anyone yet.
by Red in Chicago on Oct 31, 2008 8:48 PM EDT up reply actions
from Matthew Leach @ mlb.com
"The move makes it clear that the Cardinals do not expect to begin the season with prospect Bryan Anderson on their Major League roster. Anderson, who will turn 22 in December, split 2008 between Double-A Springfield and Triple-A Memphis, putting up a combined line of .308/.377/.416 (average/on-base/slugging) between the two levels.
The organization clearly still views Anderson as a catcher, though. He will catch in the Puerto Rican Winter League this offseason, backing up Molina on a team that will be managed by St. Louis third-base coach Jose Oquendo. "
Was there legitimate talk of changing his position?
I don’t remember it. Other than the guy who thought we could just make him a second baseman because Craig Biggio played second.
There’s no point in converting a 21/22 year old catcher to another position unless it’s obvious he can’t play catcher. And from what I’ve heard, while he’s no gold glover behind the plate, he can hold his own.
Catherine whispered into my ear, her breath rich with faraway spices, that she desire to make love. She wanted to try shinshi shinshi. Now, I'd been begging her to try shinshi shinshi for months. She'd refused on the grounds that it was unclean. Finally, she was willing to accept her lover's body in places no one had ever trespassed. Specifically, the ear canal.
cool
Oquendo managing!
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Nov 3, 2008 1:48 PM EST up reply actions
I thought you were saying that Larue quit playing baseball and was joining a rodeo at first
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Oct 31, 2008 5:42 PM EDT up reply actions
Actually
From what I hear, he turned down an opportunity to join a rodeo and is instead becoming a cop
Damn you to hell, I didn't press ENTER
A cop in a 70’s porn film
by FlimtotheFlam on Oct 31, 2008 6:30 PM EDT up reply actions
He's doing an adult movie
set in a rodeo. I won’t talk about what they do with the barrels…
by Red in Chicago on Oct 31, 2008 8:47 PM EDT up reply actions
still doesn't explain why he shaves his legs
I'm going to go try to find a puppy and kick it. - Brad Thompson AND THAT'S A WINNER!
So, uh....
How the hell does that happen? Should we offer him arb and gamble he accepts?
if he accepted
the minimum we could pay him would be around $6M— if we WON the arb case…
the enemy's gate is down.
Just Say No.
Catherine whispered into my ear, her breath rich with faraway spices, that she desire to make love. She wanted to try shinshi shinshi. Now, I'd been begging her to try shinshi shinshi for months. She'd refused on the grounds that it was unclean. Finally, she was willing to accept her lover's body in places no one had ever trespassed. Specifically, the ear canal.
NO!
this line is dedicated to '09
by Cards Fan in Chitown on Nov 3, 2008 1:49 PM EST up reply actions
I see many familiar names
Sorry so many of my predictions came true. Don’t ask…….You do have to love the Mulder though…… He is still a risk, even though his golf game fine. Walter is trying to keep him from the Feb. tryouts.
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