Fans to Decide the Fate of the 2007 Indians' Record

... in their valiant attempt to defend our national innocence from the assaults of Rafael Betancourt!

Rafael Betancourt Destroyed Our National Innocence

Please, please, think of the children damaged by this noted 'roids user. The Indians' Division title must be seen as tainted, and hopefully Congress, MLB and George Mitchell can get to the bottom of these sordid events years ago.

Here is my proposal:

A Modest Proposal to Defend Our National Innocence
  1. During the American League Playoffs, fans should turn their backs to the field when Betancourt takes the mound.
  2. Fans should bring placards with asterisks to the game and gleefully wave them in front of the camera. Placards saying "cheater" are also appropriate.
  3. Through media pressure, we should demand that the Indians season record be marked with an asterisk and that Betancourt be photoshopped out of the team photo.
  4. By internet vote, the fans shall decide whether all memorabilia from the 2007 AL Central Champions should be branded with an asterisk, or launched into space. Since the passing of Ives St. Laurant this summer, Royals Review is currently negotiating with Lady Enyce and Bill Blass on the handling and promotion of this matter.
  5. Any sealed testimony regarding Betancourt's moral depravity should be considered part of the public record, in the national interest.

Only by grandly and theatrically attacking others, can we honor the glory of ourselves!

Betancourt is to be despised for the way he has ruined everything sacred about this game. With depthless bitterness will I watch the AL playoffs this season, unable to explain to my children the effectiveness of Betancourt, or how he was so vital to an Indians bullpen amazingly reliant on Joe Borowski.

Nevertheless, we must attack this wanton evil wherever it lies, and we must not distinguish between the demonic users of PEDs, and those that harbor them.

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